Where Do I Begin
by Elisa Trapt
Summary: A Janeway/Chakotay romance, post-Endgame. Janeway finally realizes what she wants, but after all this time, will Chakotay feel the same way?
1. Chapter 1

Hi, everyone!

This is my first _Voyager_ fic. It started as a couple scenes in my head, and turned into a bit of a monster. I want to give a BIG thank you to Laura Dugan who graciously agreed to Beta read for me, and provided me with the title for this piece (which I readily admit I'm horrible at!). And hey, if you're a _Bones_ fan, wander over and check out her stories.

This is for the J/C fan in me who was never quite satisfied w/ the way their relationship turned out. Which, I guess, is the beauty of fanfic. I took a few liberties - in this story, the _Voyager_ crew is getting back on the road, so to speak, and Janeway isn't headed for admiral-hood just yet. Otherwise, I think everything's pretty true to the end of the show.

Hope you enjoy it, and I really welcome feedback, so drop a few words if you're so inclined!

* * *

Kathryn Janeway was tired. She walked out of the conference room and into one of the long halls at Starfleet Headquarters after what seemed like her hundredth debriefing. She and the _Voyager_ crew had been home for two weeks, and to Janeway, it seemed like most of that time had been spent in meetings. So it was with relief that she had wrapped up her last one of the day, and all she could think about was getting home to her temporarily assigned quarters, soaking in the ridiculously large tub, and curling up with a book and a pot of her beloved coffee.

She was so intent on those plans, that she almost didn't hear the voice behind her.

"Were you ever going to come see me, or was that just a line you gave me at the party?"

Janeway stopped suddenly and turned, knowing in an instant to whom the voice belonged.

"Mark," she said, smiling. "I'm so sorry." Janeway's former fiancé was walking toward her, smiling as well and shaking his head.

"I knew I was going to have to track you down if I ever hoped to get your attention."

"Not true," Janeway countered as he came closer and enveloped her in a hug, "I was going to come see you very soon."

Mark stepped back and rolled his eyes at her. "When?"

"Right after all these damn debriefings are over."

Mark nodded. "And after you make sure every single one of your crew is settled, and after you see to it that _Voyager_ is tucked into her space dock for service, and after you make sure that I got every single one of Molly's puppies into good homes…."

Janeway smiled apologetically.

"I'm not avoiding you," she insisted. _Not entirely, anyway_, she thought to herself.

After _Voyager_ had somewhat miraculously returned to the Alpha Quadrant, the first thing Starfleet had done was organize a giant welcome home gala, and then had proceeded to invite anyone who was remotely associated with anyone on the _Voyager_ crew. That meant that in addition to the overwhelming reality of actually being home, and being bombarded with friends and family, she had come face-to-face with her former fiancé and his new wife before she had even hoped to prepare herself for it. Mark, slightly grayer but even better looking for it, had hugged her, and introduced her to Suzanne, who Kathryn had to admit, was actually a charming woman. She had shaken Kathryn's hand warmly, congratulated her on _Voyager's_ return, and told her Mark spoke highly of her. Kathryn had nodded, smiled, and thanked her, but in a secretly uncharitable moment, had wanted to launch herself at this woman who had stolen Mark away from her. She knew that was an unfair assessment and an irrational reaction, but it had bubbled to the surface nevertheless. She had actually come to terms with his moving on years ago, but being suddenly faced with it head-on had brought those feelings of anger and regret to the surface.

And now here he was, standing in front of her again. Mark tilted his head at her.

"Well, maybe I'm avoiding you a little," she conceded, off his look. "But I really was going to come see you soon."

'There's no time like the present," Mark replied. "Do you have a few minutes?"

For some reason, her gut reaction was to find a way out of this. It wasn't that she didn't want to catch up with him, it was that she wanted to mentally prepare herself for it. And so she did the only thing she could think of. She made a show of glancing at the chronometer on the wall and lied.

"Actually, I have another meeting very soon, and–"

"Kathryn."

She saw at the dubious look he was giving her, and knew she was caught. Even after seven years, he knew her well enough to tell she was trying to give him the run-around.

"I have a few minutes," she admitted.

"Good," he nodded. "How about a walk?"

* * *

"So, how are things going?" Mark asked, as they strolled around the public gardens at Headquarters. It was late afternoon, just turning into dusk, and on this random Wednesday evening, the grounds were sparsely populated. Several officers and their families were milling about, but Janeway and Mark had plenty of space to themselves.

"Fine," Janeway replied, "Except for these awful debriefings. Makes me wish I was back in the Delta Quadrant. Well, almost," she amended with a smile. "It's amazing and wonderful to be home."

"They've given you a place to stay?"

"Mmm, yes. Nice quarters overlooking the city. Though I have to start looking for something more permanent. Thank you, by the way, for all the work you did selling my house."

It seemed that after Mark had finally accepted that she was gone, he helped her family get her house in order, put her things in storage until the time came when they wanted to go through them, and got a very good deal on the property. The money he put in the bank, which he told her he suggested to her mother be made into some type of scholarship fund for worthy cadets. Thankfully for her, that hadn't quite materialized yet, so she had a bit of a nest egg to find a new property.

Mark smiled. "Of course, but I'll bet you're not thanking me so much now that you've got to go house hunting."

Janeway shrugged. "I didn't expect everything to be exactly as I left it. It comforts me to know you're the one who took care of all that."

"And your crew? _Voyager_?"

"_Voyager_ is, as you suggested, tucked safely into her dock and getting major repairs and upgrades. I thought the admirals on the review board were going to have a coronary when I insisted she be fixed instead of scrapped. They agreed, though. Being lost for seven years has its perks, I'm learning. I can pull a few strings here and there. Besides, I'm pretty much certain my chief engineer would have chained herself to the warp core if anyone even _tried_ to dismantle her engine.

"And my crew is enjoying some much needed and deserved shore leave when they're not attending their own debriefings. Once _Voyager_ is space-worthy again, and I hope that's soon, anyone who wants one, has a position on her next mission."

"And are they taking you up on the offer?"

"For the most part. Some have chosen to stay behind or seek different assignments for various reasons. But my senior staff will remain intact."

"That's good to hear."

Janeway looked at Mark then, hearing in his voice that he wasn't quite with her. He was walking straight ahead, not looking at her, and she recognized the nervous twitch in his fingers. She stopped, and after a few steps when he realized she was no longer by his side, he stopped as well and turned.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing. But are you going to keep engaging me in small talk, or are you going to talk to me about why you really came to see me?"

"What, I can't just come and see how you're doing?"

"Of course you can, but I get the feeling something else is on your mind."

Mark dropped his head and sighed.

"I'm sorry. I just….I came because I wanted to make sure things were okay between us. That there were no hard feelings."

"Oh, Mark," Janeway said softly to him. "Of course not."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "At the gala, you didn't seem so–"

Janeway shook her head, and quickly cut him off.

"No, _I'm_ sorry. At the gala, things were so overwhelming, and I wasn't expecting to see you so soon, and then there you were, and…." She didn't have the heart to finish her sentence. But he knew.

"And I had Suzanne with me," he finished for her.

Janeway nodded. "Yes."

"Kathryn," he said, stepping toward her, "I never meant to hurt you. I–"

"Mark, stop," she said, putting her hand up. "Please. This was not your fault. I understand why you did what you did, and I know you had to move on. It was just hard for me to see it so real. But Suzanne seems lovely. I'm glad you found someone."

Mark looked at her for a long moment, and then nodded.

"She's wonderful. But, and when I say this, please understand that I _do_ love my wife very much…she's not you."

Janeway shook her head, not quite believing what she just heard.

"Mark, you don't have to say that."

But Mark looked earnestly at her.

"No, it's true. Suzanne….she's amazing. And I love her and the life we have together. But there's only one Kathryn Janeway. I was prepared to spend my life with you, and I will always miss what we had."

Janeway considered his words, and then stepped forward to take his hand. She squeezed it.

"Thank you for saying that," she said sincerely. "I'll miss it too." And then she let go of his hand, and walked away a few steps. She wandered over to a little wooden bridge crossing a stream, and she leaned against the railing, looking down over the water. Mark followed her, and fitted himself by her side.

"How about you?" he asked. She turned her head and raised her eyebrows.

"How about me, what?"

"Well, is there…do you have someone special in your life? Someone from _Voyager_? You never said much about your personal life in the short notes you sent me."

Kathryn hesitated for the briefest of moments before shaking her head.

"No," she replied. "No one."

"Kathryn," Mark admonished, "You're a terrible liar."

She frowned at him. "First of all, I am not lying. Second of all, that's not true."

Mark had the nerve to grin at her.

"Sure it is. You think you're so good at hiding your feelings, when in reality, most of the time, you're wearing them right on your sleeve. So who is he?"

Janeway smiled indulgently at him, and shook her head. "You're wrong," she told him. "I've been gone for a long time, and you don't know me as well as you think you do. There really is no one." She turned away from him to look back into the water bubbling across the stones beneath the bridge, suddenly not wanting Mark looking into her eyes too closely. What if he saw something she didn't want him to see?

"Hmmm," Mark made a non-committal sound, and settled his elbows next to hers on the bridge, following her gaze. They stood that way for a few moments, neither speaking, and Janeway considered the topic closed when Mark said, "It's that tall guy with the tattoo, isn't it? Your first officer?"

If a meteor had at that moment shot down from the sky and landed next to her, carrying that guy, Elvis, Tom Paris liked so much, singing "Ain't Nothin' but a Hound Dog," Kathryn Janeway could not have been more shocked. Her head snapped to the right, her eyes widened, and she felt a distinct tremor run through her body.

Mark, for his part, looked utterly unrepentant as he calmly gazed back at her.

Reigning in her surprise, and clamping her shaking hands to the railing of the bridge, she straightened up and asked, "What on Earth would make you say such a thing?"

"I'm right aren't, I? It's him."

Kathryn vehemently shook her head, letting go of the railing, and crossing her arms in an unconsciously defensive gesture while she concentrated of keeping her voice level.

"No, of course not. Something between the Commander and me? I can't begin to imagine what gave you that idea."

"Really. It seems to me the lady doth protest too much."

"I'm not protesting," she snapped, and then caught herself as Mark raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm not protesting," she repeated, more calmly. "I would just like to know what gave you that impression."

"At the gala, when Admiral Paris was giving the toast, and congratulating you on getting home, I saw the way he looked at you. And the way you looked back at him. Like the two of you were sharing a secret only you knew."

Kathryn tried to brush it off.

"I don't look at Chakotay any differently than I look at any of my other officers, Mark. This is all in your head."

"I don't think so," he replied quietly, looking directly at her. "I know that look. It's how you used to look at me. I don't know how to describe it, really. It's this soft look you have. You used to use it on me if you really wanted something, and you _knew_ I couldn't say no to it."

Janeway stared at him_. Damn him_, she thought, and then tried the straight forward approach.

"Look, I don't know what you thought you saw, but there's really nothing between us. If you want to know the truth, I haven't had much time for relationships in the past seven years, it just wasn't a possibility for me."

Mark looked confused. "Why not?"

Janeway made a frustrated sound.

"Mark, stop pretending like you don't you understand. I was, I _am_, _Voyager's _captain! I had to concentrate all my time, all my energy, on getting my crew home! There was no time for a relationship, there was no time for falling in love."

"Except that you did anyway, didn't you? And you didn't allow yourself to do a damn thing about it."

"Oh, Mark, leave it alone! Why are you pushing this?"

"Because I want you to be happy."

"I am happy," she insisted, and found herself stopping short of the insane urge to stomp her foot. God, he was infuriating. She could stare down the Borg with complete calm, but somehow her former lover made her feel like acting like a petulant child.

"Bullshit."

Janeway was taken aback. Unlike her own somewhat colorful vocabulary, Mark hardly ever swore. How had what seemed like a pleasant reunion end up being an interrogation about how she'd conducted her personal life over the last seven years?

"Excuse me?" She narrowed her eyes at him, a look that had stopped lesser men in their tracks, but Mark simply ignored her.

"Despite your long absence, even if you don't want to admit it, I know you, Kathryn. I know how you used to try to keep your relationship with your crew at arm's length. Except that being stranded on a ship with them for seven years didn't allow you that luxury anymore. You had to interact with them, and you developed relationships with them. I saw the other night how that crew worshiped you. I'm sure if you told them to fly straight into a super nova, they would. And I'm so proud of you for that, it's amazing, and the kind of loyalty some captains never find. Getting home aside, _that _is your biggest accomplishment. That crew is bonded, forever a family. But I think you got more than you expected, I think you found someone you really cared about, and who cared about you in return. And it scared the hell out of you, so you pushed it aside and ignored it."

By now, Janeway was glaring at Mark.

"What the hell gives you the right to stand there and tell me about my relationships?"

"Maybe nothing. But, Kathryn, just ignoring it won't do you any good."

Kathryn threw up her hands.

"I give up. What do you want from me? To admit that there is, _was_, something between Chakotay and me? Fine, there is. _Was_," she corrected herself. "Are you happy? And nothing happened, for the record. I was that crew's captain, including his, seventy years from home. I couldn't afford to indulge in a romance!"

She continued to glare at Mark, letting the anger she felt toward him at the moment run freely through her. How dare he? How dare he question her decisions from the comfortable confines of his life on Earth?

She expected him to back off after that, particularly after an elderly admiral walked by at that exact moment, giving them a stern stare for the small commotion they were causing. Janeway cleared her throat and nodded at him.

"Admiral," she acknowledged crisply, and waited until he passed before making a face at Mark. But it seemed nothing could deter Mark from his line of questioning.

"What about now?"

"What?" she said, bringing her voice down several notches from her last outburst.

"You're home. You're not stranded seventy years away anymore. What's holding you back?"

Janeway stared at him in disbelief.

"God, you're persistent."

Mark shrugged, but let the question stand.

"It's one of the things you used to love about me."

"I'm beginning to question my judgment back then," she told him dryly.

Janeway turned away, and wandered to sit down on a bench beneath a blooming lilac bush. Mark followed her through the gathering darkness, taking a seat next to her. She looked at him briefly, and then leaned her elbows on her knees, clasping her hands.

"You're right," she said finally, choosing her words carefully. "There was, has always been, some sort of…attraction between us. But I'm not lying when I say we never did anything about it. We couldn't, it wouldn't have been appropriate."

Mark reached out and covered her hands with his own, causing her to look up at him.

"Not everything in life is about Starfleet protocol, Kathryn. Sometimes you have to take a chance."

Janeway actually laughed at that.

"If you only knew how many times I threw the Starfleet playbook out the proverbial window over the last seven years," she said. She meant the comment to lighten the moment, but it only caused Mark to lean closer.

"Then why not about this? Why didn't you pursue something with this…Chakotay, is it?"

"I don't know," she admitted at last. How could she even begin to explain to Mark her relationship with her first officer? It was a deep and abiding friendship, of course, built on absolute trust, and yes, a love of sorts. But there was so much more, and it was fraught with landmines of things left unsaid and unexplored between them. And now, well….

As if Mark was following her inner train of thought, he said, "It's not too late to change things, you know. You're here. He's here."

Kathryn exhaled shortly.

"Actually, it _is_ too late. He's involved with someone else." And until she said those words out loud, she didn't realize how much they hurt. A hard knot took up residence in the pit of her stomach, and she clenched her hands together.

Mark pulled his hand back from hers and sat back.

"Is it serious?"

Janeway nodded, still looking down at her hands.

"I think so."

"That gorgeous, leggy blonde, right?"

For the second time that evening, Janeway looked at Mark in utter surprise.

"Have you ever considered volunteering for pre-First Contact missions? You'd make an excellent Observer."

Mark smiled at the comment, but wouldn't allow her to distract him.

"He was dancing with her at the gala. I'm right, yes?"

"Yes. Seven of Nine. She's the former Borg drone we rescued."

Mark whistled softly.

"I had no idea Borg came in that model."

At that, Kathryn actually chuckled before swatting him lightly on the arm, and leaning against the back of the bench.

"You're married," she reminded him.

"Yeah, well, I'm still a man."

Kathryn snorted and was about to reply when a movement caught her eye, and it took her a minute to figure out what she was seeing. Once she did, she tried hard not to stare. The couple she spotted across the garden would have been better off finding quarters for the evening rather than the magnolia tree they were currently wrapped up under. She hoped for their sake that their commanding officer didn't happen by, or they'd have some explaining to do. And then she idly wondered what it was like to engage in a relationship with that type of abandon. Even with Mark, she had been cautious, guarded. She took her eyes off the entwined couple, and said,

"Even if I wanted to pursue something with him, I wouldn't do that to Seven. It wouldn't be right. She made her move, fair and square."

Mark considered that.

"Look, I don't know anything about this Seven of Nine, beyond the fact that she's got legs that go from here to eternity, but I _do_ know what I saw. And after Suzanne and I walked away from you, I saw Chakotay leave her side to come over to you to make sure you were okay. And the look he gave you wasn't the look of a man in love with another woman."

"Okay, Mark, stop." Janeway shook her head. "I don't even know why I'm entertaining this discussion. Chakotay and I are friends. Good friends. He was my first officer and frequent confidant during our journey, but nothing more. There may have been potential for more at some point, but that opportunity has long since passed. We're both happy with the way things are."

Mark stared at her for a long moment before pressing his lips together and looking away.

"What?" Janeway demanded.

"Nothing."

"No, say it. You've been less than shy with your opinion so far, why stop now?"

"Fine. I was just thinking that I was wrong before. You're a fantastic liar, if you've not only convinced Chakotay of this line of B.S., but yourself as well."

Janeway gaped at him, but found she had nothing to respond with. Mark saw her stricken expression, and softened his own.

"Look, I'm sorry, Kathryn. You're right, this is none of my business. Maybe I'm pushing because of my own guilt about moving on with my life while you were still out there somewhere, I recognize that. But no matter what, I still care about you, and I want you to be happy."

Janeway smiled at him, and squeezed his hand once more.

"I appreciate that, I really do. I know you only want what's best for me. But I promise you, I really am happy."

Mark sighed and leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek before standing up.

"Like I said before, Kathryn, you're a terrible liar. I'll see you later. Come by the house soon, Molly's waiting."

And then he turned and walked away, leaving Janeway on the bench, watching his retreating figure until he disappeared into the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn unlocked the door to her quarters, and after peeling off her uniform for something a lot more comfortable, she immediately sank down onto the couch in front of the big bay window overlooking San Francisco, all thoughts of her bath, book, and pot of coffee forgotten.

She threw herself back against the cushions, thinking that what she really wanted was a drink, a really good glass of wine, the kind of wine you smuggled on board your ship, and prayed the security chief didn't find out. But that did her no good, as thinking about a drink, and a contraband drink at that, made her think of all the drinks she'd shared with a certain first officer, and that was the _last_ thing she wanted on her mind.

No, what she _really_ wanted was to go back and erase the conversation she and Mark had just had. She briefly considered finding a way of doing just that, The Temporal Prime Directive be damned, but the logistics of the whole thing just compounded her already spectacular headache. So instead of finding a way to change the current timeline, she entertained thoughts of ways to kill Mark. In a manner of minutes, she'd already devised five different methods.

_Damn him_, she thought, echoing her earlier sentiment. It irritated her that he could still get under her skin like that, and it irritated her further that he could still pick apart her arguments so they no longer sounded half as logical as she imagined them to be.

What the hell gave him any right to question any of her decisions aboard _Voyager_, personal or otherwise? He'd made his decision! He'd moved on, and while she didn't begrudge him the happiness he'd found, it hardly qualified him to comment on the choices she'd made.

_Except he hit a little too close to home, didn't he?_ a little voice inside her asked. _He questioned what you've questioned all along._

"Oh, shut up," she grumbled to herself, rubbing at her temples in effort to alleviate her headache. The hell of it was, the nagging little voice was right. Mark had, in short time, uncovered what she'd been hiding from for years – the distinct absence of a man in her life.

While in the Delta Quadrant and still believing Mark was waiting for her back home, she hadn't given it much thought. She hadn't had to face the fact that she was alone because she always fell back on the image in her mind of him, smiling, welcoming her home. The trouble was, even before she'd gotten his sobering letter that he'd moved on and gotten married, she had already started to think about him as a picture in a frame. Though she had clung to him at first, she had eventually begun to forget the sound of his laugh, the feel of his touch. And when she got that letter, she was saddened, but not truly surprised. A lot had changed in her life too, and she could hardly blame him for the same.

However, the news suddenly opened up new possibilities for her. She was free to explore other options, see if anyone else in the unexplored universe wanted to share her world and ideals. The thought terrified her.

There were, of course, the few brief flings that followed, the kind of flings she knew would never last because they were just passing through a solar system, or the man was far too independent himself to settle on a starship, not that she was much interested in that type of scenario anyway – Starfleet captains did not keep lovers on their ships. As time went on, Kathryn saw that that was perhaps the way things had to be. Her first duty, after all, was to the crew, and she couldn't let a romantic relationship get in the way of getting her people home. It was true what they said – a captain's job was a lonely one. It would just have to be that way.

But then there was Chakotay; the man who had become her first officer.

They had started on their journey home with an uneasy alliance, she with her Starfleet rules and regulations, he with the spirit of a Maquis. But despite their differences, from the beginning they shared a bond and a mission – to get their blended crews home. And as their crews became one, Chakotay and Janeway became a unified command team, working so well together it even surprised Janeway. He questioned and challenged her often, sometimes infuriatingly so, but did it as any good first officer should, and she admired his intelligence and valued his judgment, even if she didn't always agree with it.

But somewhere along the line, and Janeway would be hard-pressed to say when, Chakotay became more than her first officer. He became the person she shared a morning cup of coffee with, the person she could laugh with over the antics of their crew, the person who knew her moods and what she was going to say before she said it.

He had become her friend.

He had become her best friend.

Having someone around whom she could let her guard down was something Janeway treasured. She couldn't express to him how much she valued stepping out of the captain's uniform for a few hours here and there. She only hoped he knew.

What she hadn't bargained for, however, was the growing attraction between them. She supposed that in retrospect, she had noticed early on. Their experience on New Earth had certainly hinted at the possibility. At the time, though, Mark had not been far from her mind, and she had been more focused on getting off the planet than anything else. Instead of accepting the things she could not change and trying to build a life there, she had insisted on "defining parameters" and having guidelines for how they would treat their relationship. She didn't know what else to do in the face of his gentleness and loyalty. The thought of what that meant, to have his complete trust, was too overwhelming for her to deal with, and so she pushed it away.

But it hadn't gone away. What it had done, instead, was manifest itself in less overt ways. It was in the sly smiles he sometimes gave her in company, when he knew there was something she found amusing but couldn't say so, as if his sole mission was to get her to crack one day. It was in his invitations to join him on the holodeck for a little R&R when he knew she needed a break from the stress she carried on her shoulders. It was in his sheer presence, the way he managed to find excuses to be close to her, the way they walked down _Voyager's _corridors together and he seemed glued half a step behind her, right at her shoulder, so if she stopped abruptly, he would have surely collided with her. The message was clear – _I'm here_.

Not that that type of behavior was entirely one-sided on Chakotay's part. For one, Janeway hardly discouraged him when he teased her or when he walked so close she was painfully aware of his broad shoulders up against her own. But that was hardly all of it. She reciprocated his holodeck invites with sails on Lake George. If he was guilty of spending more time in her personal space than decorum dictated, then Kathryn was guilty of the same. She found that she, almost unconsciously, found ways of touching him – patting him on the arm, grasping his shoulder. She explained the behavior away with the reasoning that she was a physical person in general, and she didn't touch him any more than she did Harry or B'Elanna or Neelix. But in her more honest moments, she knew that wasn't true.

Yet that wasn't even her biggest transgression when it came to blurring the lines between personal and profession with her first officer. Under the guise of developing a closer working relationship, she had begun to invite Chakotay to her quarters for the occasional dinner. That in itself wasn't too unusual, she tried to have dinner with all her senior staff occasionally, but those dinners never included candles, classical music, or a nice bottle of wine. And their dinners were hardly tactical brainstorming sessions. More often than not, they shared stories of their past (Kathryn, especially, had an endless supply), rumors floating about the ship (Chakotay had a better ear to the ground for those), or hopes for the future. Those dinners became, without question, some of Kathryn's favorite memories on _Voyager_.

But nothing happened. Maybe she felt safe pushing the boundaries of their friendship because she had put limits on it early on – what was the harm in flirting if she knew it wasn't going to go anywhere? Or maybe she liked the idea of the possibility of it all, that if she ever chose to, she could step over the line she'd drawn. Whatever the reason, what she had told Mark was true, they had simply remained good friends and confidants. She and Chakotay had danced around each other, pretended to ignore what should have been blatantly obvious, and never became something more.

But what Janeway hadn't told Mark, and what he may have guessed at, was how close she and Chakotay had come to crossing the line from professional to personal, exactly at one of those late night dinners she so cherished.

* * *

_It had been a Friday evening, a little more than a year before they'd made it back to Earth, and she'd invited him to her quarters for a meal as she usually did. It had been a good week, they'd shaved another two years off their journey, thanks to a helpful and gracious species who not only gave them safe passage through their space, but had helped stock their supplies as well. _

_Helpful and gracious species seemed to be hard to come by in the Delta Quadrant, so the ship was generally in a good mood, and several evening parties had broken out in crew quarters after the celebratory gathering Neelix had arranged on the holodeck._

_By the time Chakotay showed up with the wine, Kathryn, in the same good mood as the rest of the crew, had lit the candles, and managed to coax her replicator into producing a passing lasagna. Carrying the dish to the table, she swore to him when they got home, she would get her mother to make the real deal._

"_And here I thought you would be the one cooking," he teased, pouring them each some wine. She simply rolled her eyes at him._

"_I thought we'd already established that you don't want my cooking. Believe me."_

_He laughed, sat down, and helped himself to a hearty portion of the meal._

_After dinner, as the candles burned low, they migrated to the couch with the excuse that the wine really shouldn't go to waste. It was the real stuff, after all, that Chakotay had somehow managed to get on board without Tuvok's detection. All these years, and Kathryn still couldn't figure out how Chakotay did it, how he smuggled all the contraband alcohol onto the ship. Tuvok was a bloodhound, and had confiscated more than one bottle from hapless crew members who weren't quite as creative about their hiding places as their first officer. _

_How did he transport it? She'd begged him on several occasions to reveal his methods, but he'd remained tight-lipped on the subject. The most revealing response she'd ever gotten was an enigmatic smile and, "You'd be surprised." That had provided her with idle musing for weeks. Maybe, she finally decided, he wasn't hiding it at all. Maybe he simply beamed aboard with it, tossed a bottle to her chief transporter officer to keep quiet, and marched his treasure straight to his hiding spot in the cargo bay. Hell, for all she knew, Tuvok was in on the deal, and got a bottle for himself as well._

_She knew technically that she should discourage this type of behavior. But they were a long way from home and some of Starfleet's stuffier rules, and since she was a direct beneficiary of Chakotay's stealthy tactics, whatever they may be, she let it slide and held out a glass._

_On that particular evening, when she and Chakotay settled themselves side by side on the couch, they were well on their way to polishing off a bottle of blue wine he told her was from a planet they'd visited several months before. The wine was strong, with the usual effects, and pretty soon Chakotay had Kathryn laughing helplessly, recounting the various ways he came up with to torture Tom Paris. She was well-aware the two men had a friendly rivalry, and she had to hand it to them, they were both creative._

"_So then what happened?" she asked, wiping tears from her eyes._

"_Well, sadly, B'Elanna chose that moment to walk into the bar, and she didn't think it nearly as funny as Harry and I did that I'd convinced a very shaggy, very enthusiastic, eight foot tall female with extremely sharp teeth to ask Tom to dance, particularly after she lifted him up. Let's just say, I spent a lot of time in Engineering the next week, putting in extra hours."_

_Kathryn began to chuckle again. _

"_I remember that," she said, between gulps of air. "I couldn't figure out where the hell you were half the time! I'd send you to look into something, and you somehow kept winding up in the Jeffries Tubes!"_

_Chakotay grinned as Kathryn doubled over in fresh peals of laughter._

"_I'm glad you find my penance so amusing."_

"_Oh, but I do," she said, her free left hand patting Chakotay's knee as she fought to slow her breathing. "I have no doubt the two of you will keep me entertained, however long it takes to get home."_

_He smiled and took another sip of wine._

"_I'll do my best."_

_The night might have drawn to a close then, after finishing off the wine and bidding each other a pleasant goodnight. Countless evenings had ended in a similar fashion, each harboring a slight wistfulness for the far-off possibility that such dinners seemed to suggest, but also grateful for the friendship that was._

_Except that on that particular night, Kathryn, who had a moment ago been innocently patting Chakotay's knee, never removed her hand from his leg. Without really thinking, she'd simply let it drop and remain against his knee. A few long beats went by, and it was now well past the time where she could have lifted her hand and passed it off as just a friendly touch. _

_And suddenly they were both acutely aware of it._

_Kathryn stilled, her previous laughter evaporating. Maybe it was due to the wine, but she looked down at her hand as if it was not quite her own, not fully understanding why it was where it was. Surely, she thought, if it was her hand, she would have lifted it by now and put it to better use, like pushing her hair behind her ear or tucking it under her leg. But a second later, she reasoned that it had to be hers because she could feel the warmth of Chakotay's skin through the fabric of his uniform._

_Kathryn hesitated, and then looked up at him. _

_Chakotay had also not moved for several seconds, had in fact been staring at the same spot as she had, but when he felt her eyes upon him, he lifted his own to meet her gaze. His expression didn't seem to be conveying the confusion that she herself was feeling. Instead, as his eyes held hers, he looked calm, and more curious than anything else. _

_She didn't understand. Barely breathing, she searched his eyes for any sign of the horses that were so obviously galloping through her own chest, but she couldn't see them in the dark eyes looking back at her. She grasped for something, anything, to say, just to diffuse the growing awkwardness of the situation, but just as she was about to open her mouth, Chakotay moved. _

_His eyes left hers, and his gaze returned to her hand on his knee. His right hand, which had been lying in his lap, slowly moved toward the spot where Kathryn's hand was resting. She watched as his fingers gently curled under hers, lifting her palm slightly, and his thumb began brushing over the backs of her knuckles. The sensation that that one movement produced was one she had not felt in some time, and Kathryn briefly shut her eyes._

_What was happening here? She once again tried to blame the wine as she felt heat creeping up her neck. If both her hands weren't occupied, one with her wine glass, and the other one with… well…the current situation, she might have unzipped the jacket of her uniform in an effort to cool herself._

_When she opened her eyes, she found Chakotay's gaze once again upon her. His eyes were searching hers, asking the question only she could answer, and the one she had no idea how to._

"_Kathryn," he murmured, letting her name slide through his lips. God, her name. He was the only one on the entire ship who called her by her first name, who she allowed that close. That in itself was intimate enough, and the way he said it even on a normal day, the way it sounded like a secret, made her stomach flip. Now, hearing his voice low and fraught with tension, Kathryn could feel herself physically tremble. She knew he must have felt it too, with her hand still caught in his own._

_She held his gaze, but she didn't know what to do. Every point where his hand was touching hers felt like it was on fire. His thumb continued to brush maddeningly against the backs of her fingers and he was so close to her that she was acutely aware of the warmth and sheer physical nearness of his body; she could swear she heard a dull roaring in her ears._

_Chakotay, on the other hand, seemed not nearly as unsettled as Kathryn was feeling. His hand under hers was steady, and he looked as comfortable in his uniform as he ever did. Kathryn might have wondered about that further, but Chakotay, for his part, took her continued silence as encouragement. She had no more time to ponder his seemingly extraordinary composure as his eyes left hers to skim over her face, and at last land on her mouth._

Oh, God_,_ _was her first and only thought, _He's going to kiss me.

_Chakotay leaned forward, and there was no question that Kathryn was right about his intentions. Incrementally, it seemed, he moved into her space. Watching him come closer, Kathryn felt her lips part slightly of their own accord (since it was obvious to her she was in control of nothing at the moment), waiting to meet his. Curiously, at that point, a stillness settled over her, and she found herself willing to accept whatever happened next. For once in her life, she was going to leave it up to Fate._

_But for some inexplicable reason, Chakotay paused momentarily in his invasion of Kathryn's personal space. His lips were close enough to hers she could feel his breath on her skin, and he stopped. Maybe it was his unconscious way of giving her a chance to back out, or maybe it was his own brief uncertainty, but in that instance, reason intruded and Kathryn Janeway remembered who she was. She was the captain of a vessel far from home, the captain on whom over one hundred forty people depended, a captain who didn't have the luxury to be distracted by a romantic entanglement with her first officer._

_Managing to pull her hand away from his, she placed it against Chakotay's chest and pushed slightly, just as he tried to erase the remaining inches between them. She could feel his heart racing under her palm._

"_Chakotay," she pleaded. _

_Yet even as she said it, even as she asked him to stop, she knew how little it would take to convince her to give in to what was happening right now. If he only pressed against her hand, or reached out for her, or if he even said her name again, she would let him close the distance between them, would let him take her in his arms, into the next room, and let the night make the rest of the decisions for them. _

_He must have known it, too, but Chakotay did none of those things. Instead, he sat back, and she watched as an array of emotions traveled across his face – confusion, disappointment, resignation – but the one that twisted her heart was the deep hurt she saw in his eyes before he put his good-natured expression back in place._

_She reached out to try to touch him, but then thought better of it._

"_Chakotay, please, try to understand," she said softly. "I–"_

_But Chakotay shook his head._

"_You don't have to explain," he said hoarsely, not quite looking at her._

"_I'm sorry," Kathryn answered, unsure of what else to say. At that, Chakotay did look up at her. _

"_Don't," he said, his expression unreadable. "Don't be sorry." He leaned toward her again at that point, and she had no idea what his intensions were, but this time he only placed a chaste kiss on her cheek before standing up._

"_Goodnight, Kathryn," he said before turning and heading for the door._

Stop_, she found herself wanting to shout as the doors to her quarters opened to let him through. _Wait! Don't listen to me! Don't take my first reaction as the gospel truth.

I have to tell you something_, she wanted to say as he moved further away from her. _You make me happy_._

_But she said none of those things. Instead, she watched the doors close on Chakotay's back as he headed down the corridor to his own quarters._

* * *

Still sitting on her couch, Janeway recalled that night vividly. She remembered everything, the smooth taste of the wine, the way Chakotay looked utterly relaxed on her couch telling her stories, the feel of her hand captured in his own. And she remembered how she felt his heart pounding when she'd placed her hand against his chest to stop him from kissing her. It wasn't until later that she realized something – he had been just as nervous as she'd been that night, but unlike her, he had been totally open to the possibility of where that kiss might lead. What she had considered at the time as an almost strange calmness had been in reality the willingness to take a chance.

They had kept their distance from each other for a few weeks after that. Other than meeting on the bridge for their duty shifts, the captain and her first officer saw little of each other. There were no cups of coffee shared in the morning, no hidden smiles during staff meetings, and definitely no late-night dinners.

But eventually, through no direct action, things thawed between them. They couldn't avoid each other forever, after all, and the crew would start to notice the tension between them if they hadn't already. Besides, selfishly, Kathryn hoped that he missed her company as much as she did his. They began exchanging a few words on the bridge. In a weekly review with Tuvok about the ship's systems, Kathryn caught him hiding a grin as their Chief of Security gave them his usual _thorough_ analysis. And when, at the end of an evening shift on the bridge, she turned to him and said, "Coffee tomorrow?" he considered her for a moment before nodding and offering her a small smile and a "Sure."

Their friendship got back on track after that, even if there was a slight distance between them now that Kathryn felt never quite went away. Even their dinners resumed eventually, Kathryn telling him that there was no fun in burning the roast if there was no one there to share the laugh. Their conversations took up the same character as before, and though they talked about nearly everything, neither of them ever tried to bring up that evening or the line they'd almost crossed. Kathryn had her reasons, and she suspected Chakotay had his own, but regardless, they both refrained from revisiting the topic.

It was not too long after that that Chakotay began developing a relationship with Seven.

Seven.

Kathryn pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them to her, staring out at the lights of San Francisco, without really seeing them.

Though Chakotay never said anything to her, she'd seen what was happening. And though she didn't do it often, she knew where to pick up ship's gossip if she had to, and Neelix had confirmed what she suspected – Chakotay and Seven were seeing each other.

Janeway could tell Neelix had been reticent to deliver the news, and had searched her face for her reaction, but she'd simply dropped her practiced captain's mask in place, thanked him, and walked out of the mess hall back to her quarters. It wasn't a problem, she'd reasoned. Not at all. People on _Voyager_ were bound to develop romantic relationships. Just look at Tom and B'Elanna.

It wasn't until she'd been back in her quarters, and had without thinking, picked up her morning's coffee cup and thrown it against her wall where it shattered, that she understood how the news affected her. It wasn't that "people" were starting a relationship, it was that Chakotay was starting one. And it wasn't with her. And she knew it was entirely her fault.

Kathryn took a big breath and sighed. She rubbed the bridge of her nose, and tipped her head forward on her knees, trying in vain to relieve the pounding behind her eyes. Why, why did Mark have to track her down tonight and bring all this up? These were memories better left in the past. There was nothing she could do about them now.

_Then why do they still upset you so much?_ The little voice was back. But this time Kathryn didn't banish it for some reason.

_I don't know_, she responded honestly. And then she got up and began to brew herself a pot of coffee, since it was obvious to her she wasn't going to get much sleep tonight anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

Two days later, Janeway found herself back in the gardens of Starfleet Headquarters. She was at the opposite end of the park this time, taking advantage of the break she had between meetings to catch a bite to eat, and review the PADD she'd received this morning about the progress of _Voyager's_ repairs. It was a warm, sunny day, the kind San Francisco liked to deliver this time of year, and Janeway felt herself in a good mood as she sat on a bench overlooking some ducks on a pond. Her ship would be ready ahead of schedule according to her report, and she only had a few more review boards to face before she could enjoy her own free time. And Mark and his probing questions were nowhere in sight. Though, she had to admit, the issue he had raised had not been far from her thoughts since he raised them.

She was just signing off on the report when she heard, "Captain?"

Janeway looked up to see B'Elanna Torres strolling toward her.

"Lieutenant!" she greeted warmly. She hadn't seen her chief engineer in about a week. "How are you? How are you feeling? Please, have a seat."

B'Elanna smiled and sat down next to her captain.

"Fine, thank you. Tired though."

Janeway nodded and glanced around.

"Where's Miral?" she asked, referring to the source of B'Elanna's lack of sleep.

B'Elanna's smile got broader at the mention of her daughter's name.

"She's with Tom. They're spending a little time with his parents. We've visited them a few times together, but I thought it might do them good to spend a little time alone. Tom's really trying to make an effort with his father."

Kathryn nodded, though slightly disappointed at not being able to see the youngest member of _Voyager's _crew.

"That's good," she replied, "I know that's hard for him. But Admiral Paris has every reason to be proud of his son."

"I think so," B'Elanna agreed.

Janeway tapped the PADD against her knee.

"I just got the latest update on _Voyager_. Repairs are going well."

B'Elanna nodded. "I got the Engineering report this morning. The upgrades they've made…." She shook her head in disbelief, "If we'd had some of that technology a few years ago, we might have gotten home sooner."

Janeway cocked her head, her smile evident in her teasing tone,

"Oh, I don't know, Lieutenant, I think we did okay for ourselves."

B'Elanna ducked her head and grinned, acknowledging Janeway's words.

"Yeah, we did," she said. B'Elanna then glanced at the clock standing at the end of the garden's path, an old-fashioned one with hands serenely ticking off the seconds. "I'm sorry to cut this short, Captain, but I have to get back to our quarters and pack. We're taking a transport this evening to Kronos to visit with my family for a few days."

"Of course," Janeway replied, waving off her apology. "I'm glad you're getting the chance."

B'Elanna shook her head.

"Well, it should be interesting, at least," she said. "Particularly when I introduce Tom."

Janeway chuckled.

"Good luck," she said as B'Elanna stood up.

As her chief engineer was about to turn away, a sudden thought popped into Janeway's head and she stopped her.

"B'Elanna, can I ask you a question?"

Already on her heal, B'Elanna turned back to fully face her.

"Of course, Captain."

Janeway hesitated. The question was not even fully formed, and she was now not sure she should ask it.

"It's of a somewhat…personal nature."

Now B'Elanna looked curious, but not opposed to the idea.

"It's alright, Captain."

But upon getting permission, Janeway thought better of it.

"You know what, never mind. It's not important." She made a dismissive gesture, hoping B'Elanna didn't think her captain addled.

Looking at her quizzically, B'Elanna reclaimed her seat next to Janeway.

"Captain, after all these years, and everything we've been through, I hope you consider me not only your Chief Engineer, but your friend as well. If you need to ask me something…?"

"Thank you, B'Elanna, I _do _consider you my friend. All right," she took a deep breath. "When you and Tom were dancing around each other all those months, and pretending not to see what was so painfully obvious to the rest of us," she said, earning a grin from B'Elanna, "What made you decide to stop ignoring it?"

If she thought it was a strange question, B'Elanna didn't let on. In fact, she laughed.

"I don't know if it had _anything_ to do with making a decision. Tom was fairly persistent, of course, which is one of his best or worse qualities depending on how he's using it. But I think I began to realize that we were on that ship, and there was a real possibility that we might spend our lives traveling home. And there was Tom, this really wonderful guy under that defensive shield he used to push people away. I knew a little something about that myself, so I knew to ignore it, and it turned out it was something we had in common. But we both had to do a lot of work to overcome that. I don't know," B'Elanna shrugged. "I took a chance, and thank God I did. I have an amazing husband and a beautiful daughter."

B'Elanna stopped talking and looked at Janeway, who smiled.

"Yes, you do," she agreed. B'Elanna now looked at Janeway with a curious expression.

"If you don't mind, Captain, why do you ask?"

Janeway raised her eyebrows and made a show of waving her hand vaguely.

"Oh, I don't know. I've been thinking recently about missed opportunities. And when you mentioned introducing Tom to your family on Kronos, it just got me wondering how two very different people managed to work things out."

B'Elanna seemed to take that at face value.

"Well, if you think simply working out our Human/Klingon differences was a challenge, wait until you see us in action as parents. You should hear the things Tom already has planned to teach Miral! I hope you don't mind an infant steering the ship, Captain."

At that Janeway laughed.

"If she's half as good as her father, she's welcome on my bridge anytime."

B'Elanna laughed as well.

"I'll let Tom know. And I'm sorry, Captain, but I've really got to run. Tom's going to be home soon with Miral, and we have a lot to do before we leave."

"Oh, no, _I'm_ sorry, B'Elanna. I'm sorry to have kept you. Please give Miral a kiss for me."

"I will," the engineer replied, standing up for the second time. Just as she was about to walk off, and Janeway was already returning her attention back to her PADD, B'Elanna spoke again.

"It's not too late, Captain."

Janeway looked up at her, surprised she was still standing there, and furrowed her eyebrow.

"What?"

"I hope this isn't out of line, and I apologize if it is, but you should know you still have time."

As her words sank in, Janeway had two choices. She could acknowledge what she was pretty sure her chief engineer was saying to her, or she could pretend to have no idea. Not wanting to give voice to what B'Elanna was hinting at, she chose the latter.

"B'Elanna, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean," she said, hoping her tone might bring the conversation to an end. But B'Elanna, not known for being easily dissuaded, continued.

"All I'm saying, Captain, is he's a patient man. But his patience won't last forever. There _is _still time, but not a lot."

What? Inwardly, the words sent Janeway reeling. What did B'Elanna just say? Did she just suggest what Janeway thought she just did?

Outwardly, however, she remained calm, her Starfleet training once again serving her well.

"Lieutenant, you're not making much sense."

The younger woman searched Janeway's eyes for a moment with a penetrating look, one that felt to Janeway like it was uncovering her deepest secrets. Whatever she found there, B'Elanna didn't say, but she recovered smoothly, probably hearing the subtle warning in Janeway's tone.

"My mistake, Captain. I was thinking out loud. Tom says I do it sometimes without realizing what I'm saying. I'll see you in a few weeks at the staff meeting?"

Janeway nodded.

"Yes, I'll see you then. Safe trip."

"Thank you," B'Elanna replied and turned, leaving Janeway watching the second person in as many days walk away from her, leaving her wondering what had just happened.

At that moment, she only knew one thing for sure – she had to stay the hell out of this garden.


	4. Chapter 4

That evening found Janeway restless. She had finished her last debriefing earlier in the day, though she feared she hadn't given it her full attention. Thankfully, it had just been some follow-up questions from an earlier session, and she could have answered them in her sleep. What was distracting her, and what had been distracting her since that afternoon, was her earlier conversation with B'Elanna.

She was somewhat irritated with herself for bringing up the subject in the first place. She had no idea what had made her ask her engineer the question she did. It was just that B'Elanna had mentioned introducing Tom to the Klingon side of her family, and it had suddenly seemed to Kathryn a good opportunity to pick her brain, particularly with Mark's comments fresh in her thoughts. Kathryn knew no one (besides herself) better versed in relationships in denial than she. At the beginning of their journey, Janeway would have bet money on Tom and B'Elanna killing each other far sooner that falling in love – one was arrogant and somewhat selfish, one was hot-tempered and angry. It seemed that neither of them would learn to bend and perhaps acknowledge that what seemed like constant conflict was masking something more. But they had made it work. They had grown and changed and helped each other, and it had resulted in a marriage Kathryn herself had officiated, and a beautiful little girl.

_So why couldn't Chakotay and I make it work?_ Kathryn asked herself. She'd been unconsciously pacing her apartment and she at last came to a stop in her kitchen, and sat down at the table, her head in hands. The question surprised her. Though it had always been in the back of her mind, she'd never given it voice before. There had been chances, so many chances, and she'd taken none of them. Even that night when she'd just wanted to give in, she didn't.

Is that what she wanted now? A chance to make it work with Chakotay? A chance to erase a past mistake? The thought itself made her lightheaded. And the answer was, she simply didn't know. She didn't know if she could do it, if she could balance being a Starfleet captain with a relationship. That in itself she had done before, and knew it could be accomplished with a healthy dose of hard work and flexibility. And thanks to her relationship with Mark, she knew some of the pitfalls to avoid. But with Chakotay, that would not be the extent of it. If an on-board relationship in and of itself weren't complicated enough, it would be a relationship with a man who was under her command. It was perhaps that aspect that terrified her the most.

It had been different with Mark, he wasn't in Starfleet, and when she was on her ship, she didn't have to worry about his safety or sending him on dangerous missions. But if she pursued something with Chakotay, it would be a very real aspect of their lives. It could easily be used against them. She might have to make the choice between his life and the life of her crew. She would always have to be captain first and Kathryn second, and she wasn't sure he would accept that.

_Stop making excuses. He would and you know it. _That voice was getting irritating.

But it was all a moot point anyway. It didn't matter who would understand what because none of it was an option anymore.

_Even if you had a change of heart_, she reasoned with herself, _It's too late. He's with Seven._

Seven.

Even if she was considering it, which she wasn't, saying anything to Chakotay would inevitably hurt Seven. And she couldn't, she wouldn't, do that to her. Seven, who Janeway herself severed from The Borg Collective, who she pretty much forced into accepting her humanity, had chosen to go forward and explore one of the best things about humanity. Where Kathryn had hesitated, Seven had taken a chance on romance and love. Kathryn couldn't take that away from her, especially after fiercely advocating her exploration into all things human.

And yet.

The idea of finally taking a chance with Chakotay refused to go quietly into the night.

There were, after all, B'Elanna's final words to consider. Though she'd answered Janeway's question at face value, B'Elanna was no fool, and Janeway surmised she had guessed what was behind her captain's query. Obviously she had, or she wouldn't have said what she'd said. Janeway should have known that B'Elanna of all people would recognize the underlying implications of what she had asked her.

And she told her captain it was not too late. No, Janeway corrected herself, she had told her _friend_ it was not too late. She had told her woman to woman, not engineer to captain. What did she know? What had Chakotay told her? B'Elanna was one of Chakotay's closest friends, and he was apt to confide things in her. Had he told her he still held out hope for Kathryn to come around, despite his relationship with Seven? Kathryn quickly dismissed that idea. Chakotay was an honorable man, and if he was in a relationship with Seven, he was fully committed to her.

Was it just B'Elanna's own intuition, then, that caused her to say what she'd said? Some feeling she'd gotten from her friend that indicated if Kathryn spoke up, Chakotay would leave Seven and sweep Kathryn into his arms and forget the past, forget how she'd pushed him away and hurt him?

Janeway dropped her hands on the table and groaned.

"God, Kathryn," she reprimanded herself, "You sound like a teenager. Those kinds of things only happen in fairy tales and bad romance novels." And she knew her first officer better than that. Though almost understanding to a fault, he also felt deeply. And she knew that he would not be quick to forget the hurt she'd put him through.

But the thoughts continued to plague her, no matter how she tried to stop them. They plagued her that night, and they plagued her the next morning as she drank her coffee, sitting out on the porch of her quarters. The nagging feeling that she had to do _something_ refused to go away.

Which is how she found herself outside of Chakotay's temporary quarters, a few blocks from her own.

She hadn't seen Chakotay in about a week, since the senior staff had been debriefed. They'd all gone out to dinner after in the city, toasting to their good fortune, sitting and talking and laughing well into the night. The proprietor was an old friend of Kathryn's, and, delighted to see her safe and sound, he hadn't kicked them out at closing time. He'd simply smiled at her, and brought them more wine. It had felt so good to sit there, with her crew, with the people she had come to love, and share in their joy at being home. She sat back and listened to their stories – some she'd heard before, and some she hadn't (mostly the mischief Tom caused with Harry's reluctant help that the crew all kept from their captain, but now felt safe to share. She shook her head in mock horror and then probably laughed the hardest out of any of them). She even shared some stories of her own. And throughout the night, Chakotay was at her left, like he'd been for seven years, and he'd been smiling at her warmly whenever she glanced at him. At one point, a look passed between them, one only they understood – they had done it. Together, they had brought their crew home.

However, since that evening, aside from B'Elanna in the park, she hadn't seen any of her senior staff. They'd scattered to see their own families and friends, and she'd been very busy herself. It felt strange. After seeing them day in and day out for so many years, it was the longest she'd gone without them. And she missed Chakotay the most. She missed his calming presence and his sly wit, and she missed knowing he was close. She couldn't describe it exactly, but there was almost a certain piece of herself she felt was missing.

And now she was standing in front of his quarters, still not quite sure why she was there or how she could possibly say to him any of the things that had been twisting through her mind the last few days. To reveal any of it would be either one of the biggest mistakes or greatest leaps of her life. She rang the chime. She was just going to check in and see how he was doing, she decided. The rest was her problem and she would have to deal with it on her own.

For a minute, there was no movement within, and she thought that maybe he was gone somewhere. But just as she was about to turn and go, the door opened, and Chakotay was standing there. He was wearing slacks and a simple blue tunic, which Janeway couldn't help but notice accented his eyes. Janeway was instantly happy just to see him.

"Captain," Chakotay said with a smile upon seeing her. "What a pleasant surprise."

"Hi, Chakotay," she replied, smiling in return. "Do you have a minute?"

Chakotay opened the door further.

"Please come in."

Kathryn hesitated. But he was holding the door open, and looking at her expectantly, and she was here already. _Just checking in_, she reminded herself. She stepped through the door.

"What brings you here?" Chakotay asked as he followed her further into the apartment. "How are all the debriefings going?"

Kathryn chose to answer the second question first as she turned toward him.

"All done," she said. "Finally. If I don't see another admiral for a few years, I'll be quite happy."

Chakotay grinned.

"There's a rumor going around that there might be an Admiral _Janeway_ in the not-too-distant future."

Janeway made a face.

"The only 'Admiral Janeway' I'm aware of is my father, and I'll be happy to follow in his footsteps someday, but not quite yet."

"Hmmmm…are you sure? I could see you with the extra pips."

Kathryn gave him her best evil eye.

"Do you have your eye on my chair, Chakotay? It's taken. I have all the pips I need, thank you very much."

"Hardly," Chakotay answered, the mischief evident in his eye. "But I guess I should send out another memo to the crew _not_ to call me Captain Chakotay?"

At that, Janeway burst out laughing. This felt so good. This is what she'd missed this past week. Chakotay chuckled along with her.

"So ," he asked her, offering her a seat on the couch after showing her the way into the living room. "Everything okay with _Voyager_?"

"Oh, yes," she said. As she sat down, she glanced around the room, and couldn't help but notice that it didn't look like someone else was sharing this space with him. She tried her level best to ignore the satisfaction her observation gave her. "Fine. Repair crews are working around the clock. I think they're astonished we made it home in one piece. She was in pretty rough shape."

"She was, she _is_, a tough ship. As tough as her crew." Chakotay took a seat next to her.

"That's what I told them. But I guess they weren't as impressed with our accomplishment as we are. The head of the repair team just glared at me before walking away and muttering something about all captains being the same."

"And you let him?" Chakotay looked aghast, teasing her.

"Well," Janeway said with a smirk, "Let him think what he wants. _I_ know how tough my ship is. And he'd better make sure all the pieces are back in place before my inspection, or there will be hell to pay."

"That poor guy," Chakotay said, shaking his head. "He'll have no idea what hit him. Too bad the Borg didn't warn him."

Kathryn leaned toward him with a conspiratorial smile.

"They didn't have time."

Chakotay laughed out loud, and Kathryn noted the way it hit his eyes, lighting them up.

"Okay," he said, his laughter subsiding. "So, _Voyager_ is fine. What, then, brings you to my doorstep this morning?"

Kathryn attempted to stick with her plan.

"I just wanted to see how you're doing, see if the Alpha Quadrant still agrees with you. I know it's been an adjustment for all of us."

"It has been, and it agrees with me just fine, though I have moments when I still think I'm dreaming. But is that why you're really here?" His tone was still light, but his question was initiating what Kathryn recognized as their established back-and-forth when he knew there was something on her mind she wasn't sure she wanted to talk about.

Kathryn paused. This was the moment where she could either plunge ahead, or make an excuse, spend a few more stolen minutes with him, and move on. She was sorely tempted by the latter and how easy it would be, but she was hit with a sudden certainty that it was very important to try the former.

If she didn't say something now, she knew she never would. The irony was not lost on her that while she was highly experienced with risky situations, often in matters of life and death, this one was causing her no small amount of trepidation.

For the second time, she glanced around the room, but more deliberately.

"Are you…alone?" she asked.

Chakotay looked confused. Whether it was because of her question or the sudden change in her expression, she wasn't sure.

"What do you mean? Are you asking if Seven's here?"

Janeway nodded.

"Yes."

"No, she's not. Are you looking for her? She left this morning to visit her aunt. She should be back in a couple days."

"No, no," Janeway said quickly. "I was looking for you." The news that Seven wasn't even in the city was somehow a relief, though it bothered Kathryn to think that.

He looked at her questioningly. Janeway felt a nervous shudder run through her, and she hoped he didn't notice as she looked down at her hands.

"Chakotay, I'm not quite sure how to say this," she began. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Chakotay lean forward, and her mind briefly flashed to that night, of Chakotay leaning forward with her hand cradled in his. She turned her head to face him.

"What's wrong?" he said, concern etched on his handsome features. For some reason, his look brought tears to her eyes, and there was nothing she could do to stop them. Seeing her expression, he now looked truly worried.

"Kathryn, what is it?" Are you okay?" he reached out, touched her knee. It was too much, the sound of her name, his touch. She stood up, putting some distance between them. She turned back to him, and then the words were out before she could control them.

"I've been lying to you."

Chakotay watched her from his position on the couch, his brows drawing together.

"Lying to me? What are you talking about?"

Kathryn continued. There was no way she could take the words back now; she looked straight at him.

"I've been lying about my feelings for you."

There was complete silence. Kathryn watched Chakotay's face as his expression changed from one of concern to confusion.

"Your _feelings_ for me?"

She nodded and Chakotay slowly started to get the look of someone who was beginning to understand what was happening and wished he wasn't.

"Kathryn…" he said slowly, his voice tightening. "What are you saying?"

She took a deep, measured breath.

"I'm not sure, exactly. I'm not sure I completely understand it myself. But I've been thinking a lot about…us the last few days."

"Us. What about us? Our friendship?"

Kathryn understood that he was trying to give her an out, to exit this conversation gracefully before it got complicated, but she wasn't going to take it. Not now.

"Our friendship, of course, and I hope you know how much it means to me. Maybe I haven't told you enough. I couldn't have survived our journey without it. But I've also been giving a lot of thought to what has always been between us. And I can't just ignore it any longer."

Chakotay stared at her for so long, Kathryn thought he was frozen. When he at last spoke, his voice was quiet.

"I don't…What? Where is this coming from?"

Kathryn sat down on his coffee table, close enough that their knees were almost touching, and tried to explain.

"I ran into Mark a couple days ago."

"Mark. Your fiancé, Mark?"

Kathryn nodded.

"We had a long talk. He said a few things that at the time made me pretty angry, and I didn't want to listen to him. But the truth is, he struck a chord."

"What did he say?"

"That I'd been avoiding the truth, that I'd been hiding behind my captain's chair so I wouldn't have to take a risk."

Kathryn paused, hoping he might say something, but he continued to stare.

"Chakotay," she said, at last reaching forward and touching his hand with hers. "I'm sorry. I know this seems like it's coming from nowhere, but I've been giving this a lot of thought. You know I wouldn't be here if I hadn't."

Chakotay's gaze dropped to her hand touching his, and then looked up at her.

"I'm still not clear, to be honest. I'm trying to understand."

Kathryn nodded.

"There has always been something…more than friendship between us, Chakotay. An attraction. You know it and I know it. And I thought we were both content with leaving it alone. But after talking with Mark, I began to think a lot about what we, what _I_, pushed away. I've been wondering if it was a mistake."

"A mistake," Chakotay echoed. She couldn't read the expression on his face.

"I know I'm surprising you with this. And I know it's very bad timing. But I'm here because– I'm asking…if there's still a chance for us to do something about it."

Chakotay's eyes were still searching hers, but he said nothing. Of all the reactions she'd imagined, these long silences weren't one of them.

"Say something," she said at last.

"I can see why you didn't want Seven here," he said. His tone was suddenly harsh, and it caused Kathryn to sit back and pull her hand from his.

"Chakotay…."

"Bad timing?" he asked, his eyes now flashing. "Bad timing? This is not bad timing, Kathryn. Bad timing is when you're trying to make a transport, and you miss it by five minutes. _That's_ bad timing. This? I don't even know what this is. This is the last thing I expected. I don't know what you want me to say."

This was more of the reaction she anticipated, but it still made Kathryn feel helpless.

"There's nothing I _want_ you to say. Just…tell me how you feel."

"How I feel?!" Chakotay said in disbelief, coming to his feet. He was now standing over her. "My God, Kathryn, I spent years telling you how I feel! I spent years showing you every way I could that if you wanted a relationship, you just had to say the word. But you never did. _You never did._ And now here you are telling me that maybe you made a mistake?!"

His earlier confusion gone, the anger in Chakotay's eyes was apparent, and it took everything Kathryn had not to flinch as his words pierced her.

"I know," she said, standing as well, toe to toe with him. "I know you did." _Believe me, I know_. She walked a few steps away from him; being so close to him was not helping.

"Why didn't you?" he demanded to her back. She turned.

"Why didn't I what?"

"Say the word. You're telling me you always knew there was a something there. All those times when you could have, why didn't you tell me how you felt?"

Kathryn pressed her lips together, and gave him a pleading look.

"Chakotay, you know why."

Chakotay exhaled shortly.

"Because you're the captain," he said flatly. "Because God forbid you appear human, God forbid you need someone to love."

Kathryn didn't think he could have hurt her more if he'd just slapped her.

"Chakotay, that's not fair. You know there was more to it than that. I had to think about–"

But he cut her off.

"You're telling me that's not fair? Really, Kathryn? But you showing up on my doorstep, bringing all this up – that's fair? Over seven years and I still have no idea how your mind works sometimes!"

By now Kathryn felt her temper flaring as well. The decisions she'd made on _Voyager_ had not been made lightly, and he was trying to make it seem far more black and white than it was.

"What would you have had me do, Chakotay? Simply neglect my duties? Maul you in the middle of the bridge in front of everyone? Hide away with you for days at a time? To hell with the crew? To hell with getting home?"

Kathryn was now glaring at him, and he was glaring in return.

"This is your problem!" he informed her. "You seem to think that being the captain and being human are mutually exclusive! Plenty of people on _Voyager_ managed to develop relationships and still do their jobs!"

"None of them were her captain!"

"That's not an explanation! There are so many captains–"

Kathryn knew where this was going, and stopped it.

"None of them were in my position! None of them were in my position, stranded a lifetime from home, with an entire crew's hopes resting on their shoulders. Don't you understand?!"

"Don't I–?" Chakotay's voice was incredulous. "Don't _you_ understand? I was right next to you. I wanted to help you with that burden, if you'd only let me in!"

"It wasn't yours to carry!"

"My God, Kathryn, do you really not get it? I wanted to share your hopes and fears! I wanted to be the person you turned to when the pressure was too much for you on your own. I loved you!"

The silence that followed could not have been more profound if they'd been floating in the vacuum of space. Kathryn stood there, stunned by the admission. Her eyes went wide and her mouth hung open slightly. Chakotay was looking back at her, equally surprised, as if he couldn't quite believe the words had come out of his mouth.

"What?" she whispered at last. Chakotay seemed to reign in his surprise and turned away from her. He took a few steps, stopped by a side table, and began fingering a stone that was sitting there, which Kathryn recognized as one from his medicine bundle.

"I think you heard me," he said, the anger from a few moments ago dissipating from his voice.

Unexpected tears sprung to her eyes for a second time, and Kathryn had to take a few seconds to blink them back.

"I had no idea," she said, but even as she said the words, she wondered if they were true. Had she really not known the depth of his feelings? Or had she known, but refused to acknowledge it?

Chakotay looked at her as if wondering the same thing, but then shook his head.

"It doesn't matter now."

Kathryn opened her mouth to protest that it _did_, but Chakotay continued.

"It doesn't," he said, seeing her look. "Because everything you said, about why it never worked out for us, still holds true. You're still the captain, Kathryn. You said you came to see if there was still a chance for us. Let's just say, for argument's sake, I said yes, there was. In a few short weeks, we step back onto that ship. And the reality is, we could find ourselves right back in the Delta Quadrant. Or further. Then what? We're right back where we started."

Kathryn, still trying to recover from Chakotay's earlier admission, was having a hard time focusing on his words.

"I don't…I don't know. I haven't thought–"

"You haven't thought that far ahead?" Chakotay's voice was taking a sharp edge again. "Maybe you didn't intend it to go that far? Maybe you were just hoping for a brief affair before we get back to _Voyager_?"

His words were enough to shock her back into the present conversation.

"I would never do that to you, Chakotay," she said softly. "Do you really think that little of me?"

"I have no idea what to think. I never thought that you would come here, and bring all this up. But here you are. And all it took was the man you used to be engaged to hint at a few things, and it suddenly seemed like a good idea."

"It wasn't like that. It wasn't just what Mark said to me." Kathryn anxiously twisted her hands together. "It's what he saw."

"Which was?"

"He saw it, Chakotay," she said, without any heat in her voice. "He saw what we've been avoiding all these years. At the gala."

"The gala."

"After he and Suzanne talked to me, he saw you come over and check on me. Do you remember that?" Chakotay nodded. "He said he saw the way you looked at me. And the way I looked at you."

Chakotay sighed.

"That's what made you come here? Because of something Mark thinks he saw? Kathryn, he hasn't seen you in years, and he doesn't know me at all. How could he possibly know–"

"Chakotay, he saw it! You're right, he doesn't know anything about us, and he still saw it! After five minutes of watching us! What does that say?"

"That Mark has a vivid imagination."

Kathryn made a frustrated sound.

"You know that's not true. He saw something there because there was something to see. And you just said–"

"I know what I just said. And I know how I feel. But that's not the issue here. It's how _you _feel. And it sounds to me that this is a reaction to what Mark said, not something you chose to face yourself."

"Are you saying that makes it less valid?"

"I'm saying that seeing Mark again must have been painful, and probably made that loss fresh again. I understand you wanting to reach out to someone else."

"You think I'm telling you I have feelings for you because I'm _lonely_?"

"Are you?"

Kathryn felt her frustration growing.

"Mark is beside the point. Yes, it was hard to see him with Suzanne, but it didn't cause some desperate reaction."

"Then what aren't you telling me?"

There were drawbacks, Kathryn realized, when someone could read you so well. She considered telling him there was nothing else, but it seemed pointless to hold back now. She had told him everything else.

"I ran into B'Elanna yesterday in the garden at Headquarters. She had some…interesting things to say."

Chakotay turned away from her briefly, and she could swear she heard him curse under his breath before turning back.

"What did she say?"

"That there was still time. That it wasn't too late."

He raised his eyebrows.

"Meaning what? What were you talking about?"

" It's hard to explain. But she was…talking about us."

"I'm going to have to talk with B'Elanna about minding her own business."

"Chakotay, she was just trying to help."

"Fine. But so far, you seem to be telling me a lot about what other people have said. What about you? Where do you fit into all of this?"

Kathryn chose her words carefully.

"I think it took what Mark and B'Elanna said to make me realize what I've been hiding from. I was so busy worrying about what one hundred fifty people were feeling, that I forgot to pay attention to what I was feeling. And what _you_ were feeling. I knew there was an attraction between us, and I never did anything about it. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I want to know if there's still time to fix my mistake."

When she finished speaking, Chakotay was looking at her with a sadness that seemed to permeate his body.

"Do you know how many times I wished you would say that to me? How many nights–" He stopped himself, and Kathryn was left wondering if he'd spent as many sleepless nights thinking about her as she had about him. He shook his head. "I would have given you everything, Kathryn. But I can't now. It's not just you and me. I have someone else to think about."

The realization jolted her. How could she have forgotten? She'd been so busy trying to convince him of the sincerity of her feelings that she had pushed aside the one obstacle she couldn't simply argue away.

"Seven," she said.

His eyes flicked to hers, but it seemed like he couldn't quite look into her eyes, and his gaze landed somewhere at her feet. His voice was halting.

"I wanted…so badly for it to be you. I waited so long for you to understand what we could be. I thought you would. We came so close…that night…but you…couldn't. Or wouldn't. And when I came to that realization, I had to force myself to move on. It wasn't healthy for me, to stay in that limbo. Seven and I, we're building a relationship. It's good. I won't jeopardize what I have with her because you've suddenly had a change of heart. I won't do that to her."

It felt to Kathryn like someone was physically cracking her in two as she listened to Chakotay. All the raw emotion of what she'd put him through was there, in every word. She'd deluded herself into thinking his understanding nature had mitigated some of the pain, but she'd been wrong. She should have known better.

"I don't want to hurt Seven, either," she said, though she knew it was an inadequate response to what he'd just said. "That's not my intention."

"But it will. What you're suggesting, there is no way to avoid hurting her. I care about her too much, and we've worked too hard on our relationship for me to do that to her."

The subtle message in his words was not lost on Kathryn – Seven willingly worked on their relationship. She did not back off and avoid the difficulties. Whatever their problems, they worked through them together, and then enjoyed the rewards of that work. It almost sounded as if….

"Do you love her?" The question was out of her mouth before she knew it, and it not only surprised Kathryn but apparently Chakotay as well. His head turned quickly toward her, and his eyes narrowed.

"I don't think that's any of your business," he said, his tone more than suggesting she drop it. But now that she'd asked, Kathryn didn't seem to be able to stop herself.

"Do you?"

Chakotay's jaw clenched, and it was several seconds before he answered.

"Yes, I do."

The words stung hard as she expected them to, but Kathryn also saw something flicker in his eyes, something that prompted her to ask,

"Do you feel about her the same as you feel about me?"

Kathryn didn't know where the boldness to ask these questions was coming from, but they kept coming all the same. Chakotay crossed his arms.

"I will always….care about you, Kathryn. That will never change."

"That's not what I asked."

"Of course my feelings aren't the same. How could they be? You're both very different."

"Do you still love me?" The question Kathryn never really intended to ask slipped out, and she held her breath, waiting for the angry reply that was sure to follow. She knew she had no right to ask.

But Chakotay only shut his eyes, and when he opened them again, Kathryn could see tears threatening. He let out a shaking breath.

"Yes," he said, so softly she almost didn't hear him. Kathryn felt a tremor run through her. It was not the answer she was expecting. She walked the distance to Chakotay without even knowing her legs were moving, and reached up to lay a hand on his cheek. Chakotay leaned into it almost imperceptibly, but she felt it.

"Then if we both feel this way, don't we owe it to ourselves to see where it might lead?"

"_Might _lead," he repeated. He reached up and took her hand, closing his own hand around it and gently removed it from where it lay. "Kathryn, please don't do this. Not now. I can't." But he seemed unwilling to let go of her hand, and she took that as a sign not to give up. She moved even closer to him, until he was forced to look down right into her eyes. They were so close, all she had to do was reach up a few inches to touch his lips with her own. It took all her self control not to do it.

"I know I'm not making this easy, and I surprised you with this, and I know there are complications. I don't want to hurt Seven any more than you do. But there's something here neither of us can deny, Chakotay. I don't have the answers to all your questions about where we'll end up, but I know how I feel. Finally. Please tell me there's still time for us."

As she'd been speaking, Chakotay's head had dropped little by little until his forehead was tilted against her own, and she could feel his breath on her lips. Letting go of her hand, both of his came up to frame her face, and for a moment Kathryn thought she'd gotten through to him. They stood, closer than they'd ever been, his hands curled around the back of her neck, her hands against his chest. Kathryn was perfectly still, not wanting to break their fragile connection, willing Chakotay to say what she needed him to say, to pull her across the remaining distance between them. But instead he straightened up and away from her, and the sadness in his eyes was almost too much for Kathryn to bear.

"If this was two years ago, a year ago, Kathryn….well, we probably wouldn't still be standing here talking. But when I realized you didn't want to explore the possibility between us, I had to accept how things were. It hurt like hell, and I don't want to go through it again."

"What are you saying?"

Chakotay's voice was layered with regret.

I'm sorry, Kathryn, but it's just too late."

Kathryn didn't have words for the feeling that hit her. It was hurt and loss, yes, but on a much deeper level than she had felt in a long time. The last time she had felt such a roar of pain was when she'd lost Justin and her father. And that had been when they'd been ripped away from her entirely. Chakotay was still standing right in front of her, his hands still against her face, and yet she felt like she'd just been told he'd been killed in a terrible accident.

Kathryn looked at him desperately, searching for any sign that she should keep pushing, but this time saw none. She nodded slowly and stepped back, unsteadily, forcing herself away from his touch. His hands remained in their position until his fingers were no longer in contact with her skin. It seemed to take him a few seconds to realize it, and then he let them drop to his sides.

"I'm sorry, too," she said. "I'm sorry I–" But she found her voice catching and she couldn't speak. She forced herself to look at him, despite the tears she knew were welling up in her eyes. He looked back at her. "I think I should go," she whispered.

All Chakotay did was nod in return, his gaze dropping away from her. For one insane moment, Kathryn felt the urge to rush into his arms, to hell with it all, and kiss him with everything she had. But his body language told her it would be a futile attempt; he'd made up his mind. So she walked past him instead toward the door, which opened obligingly as she neared, and out into the bright San Francisco sun. The glare of it hit her face hard, and she squinted as the door slid shut behind her, the cheerful brightness confusing Kathryn. She found it hard to understand why the sky wasn't overcast or why there wasn't a chill in the air.

She didn't know how she walked the few short blocks to her apartment, but by the time she got there, Kathryn was shaking so hard she had to lean against the wall to steady herself, her legs barely supporting her. Wild, random thoughts were running through her head, but she couldn't hold onto one long enough to make sense of it. She heard herself confessing her feelings to Chakotay, and heard his rejection over and over.

_Too late, too late._

Suddenly, Kathryn doubled over in pain, and barely made it to the bathroom before her stomach betrayed her. Sitting on the floor and pressing her head against the cool tile of the wall, she had no idea what to do next. She'd ruined everything. She'd gone against her every instinct, which had always served her well, and had put her heart on the line, and now she had irreparably damaged her relationship with Chakotay. How could they possibly salvage their friendship after this? She wouldn't be surprised if he and Seven chose not to rejoin _Voyager's _crew now. She would hardly blame them, but she also knew there would be an emptiness she could never fill.

The tears came and she did nothing to stop them. Before long she was full-out crying, the sobs wracking her small frame. All the hurt and regret poured out of her, all the anger with herself, until at last the tears subsided, and only her uneven breathing remained. She couldn't remember the last time she'd cried so hard.

After several minutes, Kathryn pulled herself up onto her still-unsteady legs. She blew her nose and splashed water on her face. And then she did the only thing she could think of. She walked to her room, packed a bag, and fled to Indiana.


	5. Chapter 5

Hi, I really did mean to post this sooner, but haven't been able to log into the site for three days. Here's the next installment, hope you enjoy it! And I really do love feedback, so drop a few words if you're so inclined!

* * *

Kathryn arrived in Indiana in the evening, and when the transport dropped her off at the old farmhouse, her mother and sister were waiting, along with a few close family friends. Gretchen and Phoebe Janeway had been in San Francisco when _Voyager_ first returned, of course, but they wisely saw that she would not relax and come home until her crew and duties were settled, so they had gone back after a few days, but only after extricating a promise from her that she'd come visit soon.

The evening passed by with lots of wine and laughter and stories, both ones she shared and the ones that caught her up with those she loved, and Kathryn was able to banish her disastrous conversation with Chakotay from her mind for a few hours. The gathering lasted well into the night, and as a result Kathryn slept much longer than usual the next morning. By the time she woke up and glanced at the old clock on the wall, it was 0930 hours. She threw back the covers on her bed, feeling like half the day was gone. If she were on _Voyager_, she'd have been up for hours already.

When she arrived in the kitchen, both her mother and Phoebe were already there, Phoebe sitting at the counter reading the morning news on a data PADD, her mother cooking what smelled suspiciously like pancakes. Despite not being a breakfast person, Janeway felt her stomach grumble. They both looked up.

"Well, good morning!" Gretchen said. "Sleep well?"

"Good morning," Kathryn replied. "Yes, I did." She stifled a yawn.

"I'm making breakfast; it'll be ready in a second. I know you don't normally eat breakfast," her mother continued, anticipating her daughter's usual protest, "But you're going to eat today. Both my girls are home."

Kathryn smiled. What was it about coming home that made you fifteen-years-old again, no matter your actual age?

"Breakfast sounds great, Mom."

"Do you want some coffee in the meantime?"

Kathryn glanced between her mother and sister.

"Who made it?"

While Phoebe hid a grin, Gretchen answered, "Very funny. Your sister made it, it's safe."

Kathryn smiled. "Then, yes, I'd love a cup. A big cup."

Her mother sighed at her daughter's caffeine obsession, probably having hoped that seven years had curbed the habit somewhat. But she poured the black liquid into a cup and handed it to Kathryn, who took it gratefully and seated herself across from her sister. Phoebe put down the PADD she was reading, and picked up her own cup to sip.

As their mother finished making breakfast, the two sisters chatted, talking about things that the gathering last night didn't allow them to touch on. Phoebe told her of her new apartment in New York, and of her recent art opening (it seemed she was establishing herself as a talented painter in the city). It seemed to Kathryn that they would never get caught up, but they made steady progress all the same. But even though Kathryn was very interested in everything Phoebe was telling her, she felt a part of her brain was detached, thinking about Chakotay despite herself. It apparently didn't take long for her family to notice.

As Gretchen put a plate in front of each of her girls, Kathryn got up for another cup of coffee, and so didn't see the meaningful look pass between her mother and sister. Sitting back down, and about to put the first bite of pancakes into her mouth, Phoebe spoke up.

"So…." she prompted. Kathryn looked up, confused.

"So…" she echoed, "What?"

"So, are you going to tell us what's bothering you, or are we going to have to drag it out of you?"

Janeway stopped with the fork midway to her mouth.

"What?"

"It's been a long time, Kathryn," her mother chimed in, "But we know you, and we know something's bothering you."

"Why does everyone think they know me so well all of a sudden?" she muttered, partly to herself.

"What?" Phoebe asked around a bite of pancakes. Apparently she didn't have any trouble interrogating her sister and eating at the same time.

"We're your family," her mother answered. "You seemed distracted last night, and you're not one hundred percent with us this morning either. What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Janeway insisted, taking a bite of food in hopes that they'd let her eat in peace. No such luck.

"Is it _Voyager_?" Gretchen asked. Kathryn shook her head, and took another gulp of coffee, stalling. She was going to need her strength if she was going to fend off these two. People who thought Romulan interrogation tactics were scary had never met the formidable Janeway women.

"No, _Voyager's_ fine. Or at least she's going to be. Repairs are ahead of schedule, and she'll be as good as new in a few weeks."

"Is it your crew?" Gretchen tried again. "Did you lose some of them to other ships? I know how close you got with them."

"Well, yes," Kathryn admitted, choosing to take her mother's question as she knew she intended it, and not how she herself interpreted it. "But I was expecting that. Some of them were bound to seek other assignments. Really, I'm fine. There's nothing to worry about. "

She dropped her eyes to her plate, spearing more pancakes and lifting them to her mouth, but not before seeing the gleam in Phoebe's eye. _Oh no_, she thought.

"Oh my God, it's a guy," Phoebe announced. Kathryn's eyes shot up to meet her sister's. Gretchen looked at Phoebe and then at Kathryn's reaction.

"Is that true, honey?"

Kathryn stared incredulously at her sister, who returned her look innocently.

"No, of course not," she said, keeping her voice carefully neutral. She gave Phoebe what she hoped was a disapproving look. "Phoebe, where do you come up with this stuff?"

"Oh, please," Phoebe replied. "I'm right and we all know it. Who is he?"

Kathryn took another bite, furiously trying to come up with a response while she chewed. Phoebe and her mother looked at her expectantly.

"No one. And you two are fishing," she said at last, knowing that that was a lame response at best and one that would never satisfy them.

"Kathryn," her mother said, "If you're having relationship trouble, tell us. Maybe we can help."

"I doubt it," she muttered toward her plate. As the words left her mouth, she belatedly realized she'd just confirmed their suspicions.

Phoebe grinned, and her light gray eyes lit up.

"I knew it! Come one, seriously, who is?"

"No one."

"Kathryn!" Phoebe cried in an exasperated tone.

Kathryn glanced between them. Gretchen was leaning forward, her hand ready to reach out to her daughter should she need it, and Phoebe was gesturing wildly with her fork, her meal in front of her forgotten. Kathryn sighed. Who knew, maybe it would help. It certainly couldn't make it any worse. She laid down her fork, and folder her arms on the table.

"My first officer."

To her surprise, Phoebe burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Kathryn demanded at the same time Gretchen said, "Phoebe!"

Phoebe became more subdued.

"I'm sorry," she said. "It's just that, the great Kathryn Janeway does _not_ get involved in onboard romances. You told me several times in the past what a mistake that would be. And, now, here you are, telling us you're involved with your _first officer_? My, how things change."

"I didn't say we were involved," Kathryn retorted hotly. "You asked who it was, and I told you."

"So you're not involved with this man?" her mother clarified.

"No."

"_Were_ you involved with him?"

"No." Kathryn picked up her fork again, but only poked at the remainder of her pancakes, her appetite gone. Gretchen looked puzzled.

"But…?" Phoebe prompted.

"But," Kathryn said, "I have….feelings for him."

Phoebe sat back and crossed her arms.

"Wow," she said. "So?"

"So?" Kathryn repeated.

"Have you told him how you feel, honey?" her mother asked. Kathryn nodded miserably.

Phoebe gave an impatient sigh.

"Kathryn, getting information out of you is harder than getting a Vulcan to smile. _What happened_?"

"What happened," Kathryn said, "Is that I was selfish, and now I may not only lose my best friend but my first officer as well."

The other two women looked confused.

"I don't understand," Gretchen said. "Why were you selfish?"

Kathryn looked down into the remains of her coffee.

"He's involved with someone else."

Even without looking, she could sense Phoebe's jaw drop.

"Oh my God, this is better than a holonovel," she said. Kathryn pressed her lips together.

"I'm so glad I can entertain you."

Gretchen shot her younger daughter a look.

"How about a little sympathy for your sister, Phoebe?"

"I'm sorry," Phoebe said, sounding remarkably _not_ sorry. "Okay, who's this guy…what's his name?"

"Chakotay," Kathryn provided.

"Chakotay." Phoebe rolled it on her tongue. "Ooooh, that's a great name, very mysterious. Wait, was he the one with the tattoo? The one standing to your right on the stage when Admiral Paris was talking?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Kathryn, at least you know how to pick 'em. He's…wow."

"Phoebe, not helping."

"Right, okay. Who's Chakotay involved with?"

This was sounding remarkably familiar to Kathryn, and then it hit her. She had somehow ended up in the exact same conversation she'd had with Mark. And that had started this whole mess in the first place. Maybe she was doomed to repeat it as some sort of twisted punishment.

"Seven of Nine, our former Borg."

"Seven of…" Phoebe's face scrunched up as she tried to remember, and then Kathryn saw the light go off as she raised her eyebrows.

"What?" Gretchen demanded, her memory not quite as photographic as Phoebe's.

"Well, Mom," Kathryn explained, "Seven is..."

"Gorgeous," Phoebe filled in bluntly. Kathryn gave her sister another withering look, which was rapidly becoming a habit this morning.

"Still not helping, Phoebe."

Ignoring her two daughters sniping as if they hadn't been separated for seven years, Gretchen spoke.

"Well, so what? Kathryn, you're not exactly a hideous monster we kept in the cellar, though maybe your sister would have supported that in her younger years. I have two beautiful daughters."

Kathryn managed to smile at her mother's joke and her sentiment.

"Thanks, Mom, but it's not that. Not really. It's a lot more complicated. We rescued her from The Collective, it was my decision, and ever since I've encouraged her to explore her humanity. It just went in a direction I never anticipated."

"Okay, so, how long have they been seeing each other?" Phoebe asked, digging into her pancakes once again. Evidently, dissecting her sister's love life revived her appetite.

"I don't know, about a year, I'd say, maybe less."

"And how long have you had feelings for this man?" Gretchen asked. If Kathryn hadn't known better, she'd swear these two practiced their interrogation skills, their focus was so unrelenting.

"A lot longer than that," she answered softly. She glanced at the ceiling, trying to blink back the tears that were suddenly threatening at the back of her eyes. She thought that she'd cried all she could the day before, but it seemed that was not the case.

Oh, honey," Gretchen said, getting up and putting and arm around her daughter's slim shoulders. "Why on Earth didn't you do something about it then? Why didn't you say something to him before?"

Kathryn shook her head and leaned into her mother, taking comfort in her embrace. She didn't want to explain this again. Even though she'd been married to one, it was still hard to explain some things about being a Starfleet captain to her mom – the pressures, the expectations, the trust draped on one's shoulders. First and foremost, you couldn't let your crew down, and nothing could be more important than that.

But it turned out she didn't have to explain any of it.

"She couldn't," came Phoebe's quiet reply from across the counter. Kathryn looked at her younger sister. She and Phoebe had not always had a close relationship. Phoebe had often times annoyed Kathryn when she was younger with her scattered ways, and she suspected that Phoebe had thought her older sister a know-it-all during their formative years. Yet, somewhere, even with all the squabbling, they had formed a sisterly bond along the way, and as a result, understood things about each other that no one else did. Looking into her sister's eyes now, she saw she didn't have to explain to her what everyone else found so perplexing.

"I couldn't," she agreed. Gretchen watched the look pass between her daughters and shook her head.

"Well, _I_ don't understand. It makes no sense. If you were interested in this Chakotay, then you should have done something about it! And not let this Seven of Nine character move in."

"Mom," she sighed pulling away from her mother's arm. "It's just not as black and white as you're making it out to be."

"Maybe not," Gretchen said, moving to clear the breakfast dishes. "But answer me this – what if you hadn't gotten home when you did? What if you had really spent the rest of your life trying to get home? Would you have spent that entire trip alone?"

"I don't know, Mom," she answered, feeling herself getting slightly irritated as her mother bustled around the kitchen, putting things away. "I guess we'll never know."

"Kathryn, you're too hard on yourself. You always have been. You have to let go a little."

"I can let go all I want, it still doesn't change the fact that he's involved with someone else. And if telling him how I feel won't change that, nothing will."

Gretchen frowned at her, no doubt hearing the sharp tone that had seeped into her voice, and was about to speak again when Phoebe hopped off her stool and walked to stand next to her sister.

"You know what, Mom?" she said, saving Kathryn a lecture about how she needed to open up more to people. "It's a beautiful day. I'm going to take my sister out and show her the town. A lot has changed in seven years."

Kathryn reached out and squeezed Phoebe's hand in gratitude. Gretchen eyed them, looking for a moment like she was going to go forward with her lecture anyway, but then nodded.

"You girls have fun. I'll see you for dinner?"

"Of course," Phoebe assured her, already herding Kathryn out the door. "See you then!"

Kathryn spent the rest of the morning and afternoon in her sister's company. Phoebe didn't bring up the subject of Chakotay again, and that was fine with Kathryn. There really wasn't anything anyone could do, and all that could be said had been said. Instead, Phoebe took Kathryn on a whirlwind tour of her hometown. She pointed out everything that changed, and who among their neighbors had either died, or had gotten married, or had started a family. It was nice to let her sister take over, and her constant chatter covered up the fact that Kathryn wasn't saying much.

They returned home for dinner, and Kathryn spent the evening recounting for her family more of _Voyager's_ adventures that they hadn't heard yet. Both the other Janeway women were inquisitive by nature, and peppered her with questions. If they meant to keep her distracted, then they were doing a good job. It wasn't until she climbed the stairs to her bedroom and crawled under the covers that she realized she hadn't given thought to her problem in a few hours. It had felt good to forget, if only for a little while. And she was happy to put it off a little longer – after her long day, she almost immediately fell asleep.

* * *

"_Kathryn," he murmurs, his hand clasping her own. The wine is nearly gone, only a few sips left in each of their glasses. The candles in her quarters are burning low, throwing a warm glow on the walls and on Chakotay's face. Kathryn notices how it plays against his skin, illuminating certain plains, flickers in his eyes. Her hand feels comfortable in his, and his presence next to her is familiar. She knows that if he is with her, she is safe; he would never purposely harm her._

_Kathryn can feel his thumb running over the back of her hand, and the intention in his eyes is unmistakable. But when he leans forward, she does not resist this time. She does not want to resist. She's tired; tired of carrying the responsibility she's had to shoulder, tired of upholding the laws of a Federation a lifetime away. For a moment she wants to give in, to be Kathryn instead of the captain, to be a woman instead of the leader of a ship far from home._

_And so she lets Chakotay close the distance between them, and when his lips touch hers, she almost gasps. His mouth is soft against hers, demanding nothing, expecting nothing. It is just like him to let her decide the next step, not because she is the captain and he's following the chain of command, but because he chooses to, because he knows her enough to know she's a woman who can't be pushed into something._

_She knows he expects her to end this, to remind them of who they are. But not tonight. She surprises them both by deepening the kiss, by gently nudging his mouth open with her own. She hears him groan softly, and it gives her an absurd amount of feminine pleasure that she has this effect on him. His mouth is now carefully exploring hers, and she willingly mirrors his effort._

_He finally breaks away from her, his breath coming in short bursts. He smiles at her._

"_Kathryn," he says again, his tone layered with meaning. He's asking if this is what she wants. He's asking if she's sure. He's also telling her he wants this. He's telling her he loves her. _

_And she understands._

_As she looks at him, she wants to tell him everything. She wants him to know what he means to her. She wants him to know her life hasn't been the same since he's been in it. She wants him to know it's a better day when he's the first person she sees over her morning cup of coffee. She wants him to know she's scared. She wants him._

_But she can't find her voice, she is finding she can barely breathe, and she has to settle for looking straight into his dark eyes and hoping he knows the things she can't say._

"_Chakotay," she whispers back, the only word she can manage. And now they are reaching for each other, Chakotay's hands tangling in her hair, drawing her forward, her own hands coming up to touch his face, his skin warm under her palms._

_Nothing else matters but this. Now. His lips moving against hers. _

_Chakotay's right hand drops to her knee, and begins to slowly slide up her leg…._

* * *

Kathryn woke with a start, gasping for air. For a second, she didn't know where she was, or what had happened. She felt hot, clammy, and she pushed away the heavy comforter weighing her down. As her breathing returned to normal, and the night air cooled her skin, it came back to her.

The dream.

_The dream_.

This wasn't the first time she'd had it. Far from it. Ever since that night in her quarters, she'd lived with it. At first it had plagued her almost nightly, but it had mercifully faded over time. However, in the past, it always ended like it had in her quarters – Kathryn pushing Chakotay away, hoping he understood. And she had woken up each time filled with regret and a feeling of loneliness.

But this time had been different. This time she kissed him, this time she allowed him close. This time they'd been heading toward an intimacy she didn't even dare think about in her waking hours.

Kathryn sat up and swung her legs over the bed, knowing sleep would never come to her now.

_This is _not _good, Kathryn_, she thought to herself as she made her way out of her room and down the stairs. She grabbed a heavy throw blanket off the back of her mother's couch before heading out onto the front porch. Wrapping the blanket around her shoulders to keep out the night chill, she sat herself down on the porch swing, hearing its familiar creak as it accepted her weight. She had missed this swing.

She didn't know how long she sat, trying to shake off the vestiges of her dream, looking out over the field in front of her mother's house. Though in truth, she couldn't see much. The sky was almost pitch black, starless, the way it always was just before dawn. It seemed appropriate to her that she couldn't see too far in front of her.

Lost in thought, she didn't hear the footsteps until they were very close, and the front door opened to admit Phoebe onto the porch, carrying two steaming mugs. She stopped as the door shut behind her, adjusting to the near-blackness.

Kathryn glanced up, surprised.

"Hi," Phoebe said. "I heard you get up."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Phoebe. I didn't mean to wake you."

Phoebe shook her head. "I wasn't really sleeping either. It's this country stillness. Living in the city now, I find it hard to fall asleep without all the noise."

Kathryn nodded. "I feel the same way about the hum of _Voyager's_ engine."

Phoebe smiled and walked toward her, holding out one of the mugs.

"I thought it was a little early for coffee, even for you. Hot chocolate."

Kathryn accepted the mug and wrapped her hands around it while Phoebe settled herself next to her on the swing, drawing up her knees. Kathryn tucked her blanket around her sister, and Phoebe huddled in close to her, resting her head on her older sister's shoulder.

Kathryn smiled and instinctively turned to kiss the top of Phoebe's brunette head before taking a sip of the creamy hot chocolate.

"Being back on this farm really makes me miss Dad," she said.

"Me too," came Phoebe's reply. "But I like to think he's still here somehow."

Kathryn nodded, liking the idea too.

The two sisters sat in silence for a few moments, sipping at their mugs, until Phoebe at last sat up, and turned toward Kathryn.

"What made you finally tell Chakotay how you feel?"

Kathryn regarded her sister for a moment before answering. She considered skirting the topic, but then decided against it. Maybe it would hurt less if she talked about it.

"I ran into Mark last week."

"Ahhh. Did he have Suzie-Q with him?"

"Phoebe," Kathryn admonished. "Suzanne is a very nice woman. I'm not angry at Mark."

"Well, then, I'll be angry for you."

"There's no need to be. What did you expect him to do? I was gone for seven years."

"No excuse."

Kathryn opened her mouth to argue, but then thought better of it. She and Phoebe could go around for days on this one.

"_Anyway_," she said firmly, "Suzanne is not the issue. We had a long talk. And…he pointed out some things he noticed about me and Chakotay."

"_Mark _noticed?"

Kathryn nodded.

"I was just as surprised. I always thought that as long I kept it to myself and no one else knew, then it was under control. I thought I was very good at hiding it. But then Mark caught me completely off guard. If someone else noticed, someone who didn't even know us, what did that mean? It got me thinking about the choices I made."

"Do you regret those choices?"

Kathryn took another sip of her hot chocolate before answering.

"I always tried to do what was best for everyone, for my crew. I thought that if I let myself get involved with anyone, it would distract me from my first priority."

"Getting them home."

"Yes. But now, I wonder if that's true. I wonder if that's something I hid behind because I was scared. Maybe while I was doing what was best for everyone else, I forgot to consider what was best for me."

Phoebe looked at her sister carefully before answering.

"You know, Kathryn, the two didn't have to be mutually exclusive. They still don't. I've never served on a starship, but I'd imagine that if a ship's captain is happy, then that extends to her crew."

"Maybe so," Kathryn acknowledged. "But they don't offer an officers' relationship course at The Academy, and I really didn't know how to deal with it."

Even though she couldn't see very well, Kathryn knew Phoebe was making an exasperated face.

"Kathryn, leave it to you. How can someone as smart as you be so clueless sometimes? This isn't something you take a course on. This is your heart. Really, it's sometimes a wonder you got together with Mark, you're so busy overanalyzing everything. Your problem is your head gets in the way too much."

"Were you an art major or a psychology major?"

"I don't have to have a psychology degree to see this. This is why you and Dad always understood each other better than he and I did. Both of you were so good at analyzing things, and looking out for other people's problems rather than your own. And that's really admirable, I probably should try to do that a little more. But you both kind of forgot to see what was closest to you, what was most important. Don't you remember how you felt when Dad was never around when we were kids?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Like he didn't care. Like he wasn't proud of me."

"Right. Which wasn't true, of course, but you didn't know it at the time. Because Dad wasn't always so good about speaking up, and while he was dealing with the mounting Cardassian problem, he didn't remember to take care of himself. He loved us, but he didn't always tell us. I think that took a toll on him. I don't want to see the same thing happen to you."

Kathryn listened intently to what Phoebe was saying.

"You're right," she said at last. "I do tend to push my own feelings aside. I just don't know what…." She let the end of the sentence dangle, not knowing what else to say. The hell of it was, she ever-so-briefly _did_ own up to her feelings a few days ago, and it had been a huge disaster. It certainly didn't set a precedent in her mind for doing it again.

"You're in love with him, aren't you?"

Phoebe's question drew her out of her reverie and Kathryn raised her eyebrows.

"What?"

"Chakotay. You said you have feelings for him. But it's more than that, I could see it in your eyes. You love him, don't you?"

Kathryn shook her head in disbelief.

"When did you get so insightful?"

"Just answer the question."

Kathryn considered her sister for a long moment before answering.

"Yes."

Phoebe settled herself back against the swing.

"Then it will be all right."

Kathryn actually laughed softly at that.

"How could you possibly know that?"

Phoebe shrugged.

"I don't know. I just do. Call me a hopeless romantic."

Kathryn cocked her head.

"I don't know about this one, Phoebe. Some things maybe just aren't meant to be. I'm just scared I'm going to lose him altogether."

Phoebe put her mug down, stood up, and turned toward her sister.

"Come with me," she instructed. Kathryn looked up at her.

"Where are we going?"

"Just come on," Phoebe answered, tugging her hand until she, too, put down her mug and stood up. Kathryn followed Phoebe back into the house and up the stairs into Phoebe's room. She stopped as her sister walked over to where her bags were, and she pulled out a long, thin, rectangular case. She turned and held it out to Kathryn.

"Here," she said. "This is for you."

"For me?" she asked, taking the case. She looked quizzically at her sister, but slid her hand over the object until she found the catch at one end, and flicked it open. She reached inside and carefully pulled out its contents. Turning it over, she gasped.

It was a painting of a ship. Her ship. _Voyager_. It was perfectly rendered, down to every detail, and she was in orbit around Earth. Kathryn stared, dumfounded. She looked at Phoebe.

"Where did you…." And then it dawned on her. "Did you paint this, Phoebe?"

Phoebe nodded, almost shyly.

"Do you like it?"

"Phoebe, this is…it's beautiful. It's perfect."

"Oh good," her sister sighed, clearly relieved. "I did it off schematics I requested from Starfleet, and a few holographic projections I could get my hands on."

Kathryn looked back at the painting, at the ship that she called home for so long.

"I love it," she said simply.

"I'm glad," Phoebe said, coming to stand at Kathryn's shoulder to look down at the painting with her. She slipped her arm around Kathryn's waist, her chin resting on her shoulder. "I started it when we got word you were all still out there. I figured if you ever got home, I could give it to you. And painting _Voyager_ helped me feel closer to you, not miss you quite so much."

Kathryn looked at her sister warmly.

"Thank you," she said, leaning her head briefly against Phoebe's. "I know exactly where I'm going to put it. It'll go in my Ready Room, so my crew can appreciate it too."

Phoebe nodded in approval.

"Kathryn, you said a few minutes ago that some things maybe aren't meant to be. This," she said, pointing at the painting, "was meant to be. You were meant to be _Voyager's_ captain. And you were meant to have the crew you did, and you were meant to meet Chakotay. Maybe it all was meant to lead you to where you are now, fight and all. Mom was right yesterday. She may not be delicate about saying it, but you have to open up to people more. Take chances with your heart. That's what I was trying to say on the porch."

"Phoebe, I told–"

"Yeah, I know, you told him how you felt, and he walked away. But maybe it was because of what he saw and not what he heard."

"Which is what?"

"That you weren't one hundred percent committed to what you were saying. I know it's hard for you, but, Kathryn, you need to open up to the _possibility_ of it all."

Kathryn let her sister's words sink in. Was she right? Had Chakotay seen hesitation in her a few nights ago? Had that led him to tell her it was too late? Was she really ready to make such a commitment? Or was she simply incapable of letting her heart take over her head?

Kathryn looked at Phoebe.

"Thank you," she said again, "For this beautiful gift. And I'll think about what you said. I'm going to take this back to my room."

Kathryn carried the painting back down the hall, and propped it on the dresser in her room. She then stepped back and sat down on her bed, drawing up her knees to her chest and hugging them to her. She stared at the painting for a long time, until she heard her mother stirring, her sister padding down the stairs, and the smell of strong coffee lured her to the kitchen to join them.


	6. Chapter 6

_A bit of a short chapter, to whet the appetite. :) I promise, a resolution is coming in the near future...as soon as I force myself to stop tinkering with it!_

* * *

Kathryn spent another week in Indiana before saying goodbye to her mother and sister. It was hard to walk away from them and the safety their presence offered, but there were plenty of other things in her life that needed attending. She had a few friends in the city she wanted to see again, and as repairs came closer to being finished, there was more work to be done before _Voyager's_ re-launch. There were only a few weeks left before her crew was together again. She missed them. She just didn't know now if all of them would be returning.

During the days, Kathryn kept herself busy, catching up with old friends, reviewing various reports from repair crews, brushing up on new Starfleet protocols and technologies. B'Elanna had been right, some of the new upgrades were impressive.

It was the nights she had trouble with. Her last conversation with Chakotay played over and over in her head the moment she wasn't occupied with her daily activities. She couldn't shut out the look on his face, the surprise, the regret, the anger. And the words "too late" played like some sort of mantra over the images, taunting her.

If she did manage to push him out of her head, there were plenty of other people waiting to occupy the space – Mark, B'Elanna, Phoebe, her mother. Their well-meaning suggestions and advice ran like some warped ticker tape in her mind until she wanted to scream. She knew she'd let Mark and B'Elanna's words lead her to believe that there was still something between her and Chakotay because she wanted it to be true, but clearly the desire was hers alone; Chakotay had moved on, and there wasn't anything she could do about it. All the prodding from her mother and Phoebe to open up more and listen to her heart were just romantic sentiments. She'd done that, and look where it had gotten her. Love clearly did not conquer all. It didn't even conquer some. Or the one you wanted it to conquer most in the world.

Exhausted from the thoughts that refused to leave her alone, Kathryn would eventually fall into a restless sleep. But sleeping, if possible, was worse. The dream was back with a vengeance. If she'd thought the worst of it was right after that night on _Voyager_, she'd been woefully mistaken. Now almost every night, Chakotay kissed her, touched her. If it wasn't so distressing, Kathryn would be impressed with the lengths of her imagination. But every night she would wake up fighting for air, or worse, trembling from the ghost of his fingers on her skin. It seemed that since the possibility of having a relationship with Chakotay no longer existed in real life, Kathryn's unconscious mind was determined to make up for it.

On one such night, after a particularly vivid version of the dream made her sit straight up in bed, Kathryn decided she had to do something. And she knew what that something was. She had to talk to Chakotay.

Since her return to San Francisco, she hadn't heard a word from him. She hadn't really expected to, and she'd made no effort to contact him herself. She assumed he was avoiding her, and she _knew _she was avoiding him. It was a less than adult coping mechanism, and one of which she wasn't particularly proud. It was hardly the way she dealt with matters as a captain, and she found that the method did not sit well with her on a personal level either. It was a frustrating feeling – knowing that the one person with whom she could talk through any problem was also the one person who _was_ the problem. How did she even begin to have the conversation she knew she had to have with him? But her every instinct told her she had to apologize and she had to make things right. This time, she was going to listen to her instinct. The last time she didn't had been met with disastrous results.

The thought of speaking with Chakotay again was terrifying, but it was the only way to give herself any peace. And if there was any way to salvage their relationship, and for Chakotay and her to work together on _Voyager_, she was going to have to face him eventually and put this behind them. Maybe then she'd be able to sleep.

She glanced at the clock by her bed. It was early morning anyway, so she got out of bed and took a shower. She let the hot needles of water hit her back and ease the tension in her muscles. Feeling much better and more centered, Kathryn brewed herself some coffee, and bolstered by the caffeine hitting her system, sent a message to Chakotay's apartment to contact her as soon as he could. She kept the message short and to the point. The details could wait until she saw him.

But Chakotay didn't respond. Not that day, and not the next. Worried that perhaps her message didn't make it to him, she sent another one along the same lines. But two more days passed, and she had still not heard from her first officer.

This was not like him. Kathryn knew he was angry with her, but he wouldn't simply ignore a message to contact her. She began to worry something had happened to him. But then, she reasoned, someone would have let her know as his commanding officer. So why wasn't he answering her?

She decided to contact someone who might know. She sat down at her console and put in a call to her Chief Engineer. She supposed there was another person who would know of his whereabouts better, but Kathryn wasn't quite ready to have _that_ conversation yet. She would have to, she knew, but not now.

After a few moments, the screen in front of Kathryn came to life, and B'Elanna was settling herself in front of her own screen, cradling a slumbering Miral in the crook of her arm. Somewhere behind her, there was a cacophony of sound whose source Kathryn couldn't even begin to guess at.

"Captain!" B'Elanna said, in a pleased-but-don't-wake-the-baby voice.

"Hello, B'Elanna," Kathryn replied, completely unable to hide her grin when she saw Miral. "And hello to you too, Miral." B'Elanna glanced down at her daughter and adjusted her blanket as Kathryn asked, "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"Oh, no," B'Elanna said, looking back up. "She just finished eating, so we should be all set for a while. The Doctor says I should put her down while she sleeps, but sometimes I just can't let her go."

Kathryn smiled.

"Understandable. How was your trip to Kronos?"

"It went better than expected. It seems mixed marriages aren't viewed as quite so taboo anymore. But my mother wouldn't let me have Miral back until I promised to teach her all the Klingon ways."

"Ah, I see. And how did she and Tom get along?"

"Oh, she loved him. She did, after all, marry a human herself. Even though it didn't work out, I think she still has a soft spot for humans in general. Although 'soft spot' for a Klingon is relative. But Tom endeared himself."

Kathryn's lips quirked in a half smile.

"I don't doubt it. Tom can be quite charming when he wants to me. Listen," she said, getting the point, "I won't take up too much of your time. I was just wondering…" But she was distracted from her question as the sounds she'd heard when B'Elanna had first answered grew louder. "What is that noise?" she asked.

B'Elanna made a face and rolled her eyes with practiced familiarity.

"Tom," she said by way of explanation. "He found a shop in the city that sells old twentieth century music. He's been sneaking it in when he thinks I'm not looking. This is apparently what they used to call 'Heavy Metal.'"

Janeway winced.

"It's…"

"Awful," B'Elanna supplied, saving Janeway from finding a more tactful adjective.

Janeway laughed.

"I was going to say…interesting. But at least it seems Miral doesn't mind."

B'Elanna glanced down once again at the sleeping infant.

"No, she doesn't. I think even at a few weeks old, she's resigned to her father's unusual hobbies. I suppose he's going to want to teach her how to drive a car too. What can I do," she shrugged, "I married the man."

"Indeed you did. But if that music happens to be 'forgotten' when you leave to go back to _Voyager,_ there might be a promotion in it for you."

B'Elanna grinned.

"Understood, Captain. I was thinking the same thing myself. But I'm sure you didn't call to talk about my husband's questionable taste in music."

"You're quite right. I was actually wondering if you'd heard from Commander Chakotay at all. I've tried contacting him several times and I'm starting to get worried."

A puzzled look came across B'Elanna's face.

"You haven't talked to him?"

Now it was Kathryn's turn to look puzzled.

"No, should I have?"

The look disappeared from B'Elanna's face.

"No," she replied quickly, "I just thought you might have spoken about _Voyager_. About our next mission."

It was an excuse, and Kathryn knew it, but she couldn't imagine what her engineer was hiding, so she played along.

"I was in Indiana until recently, visiting my family. When I came back, I tried to reach him, but he hasn't responded."

Miral chose that moment to start fussing, and B'Elanna jiggled her arm to quiet her.

"I did speak to him a few days ago," she said. "He was on his way to France to visit some old friends. He said he'd be back the morning of our meeting."

"Oh," Janeway said, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. "I see. He must not have had his messages forwarded to where he's staying. You don't know how to contact him by any chance?"

"I don't, Captain, I'm sorry. He didn't say where he'd be."

She was about to reply, but just then, Janeway saw Tom walking toward his wife and daughter in the corner of her view screen. As he got closer and saw to whom B'Elanna was talking, he smiled.

"Captain!" he said, loud enough to earn a shushing from his wife, though Kathryn seriously doubted that if the music playing in the background hadn't woken up the baby, it was unlikely that her father's voice would.

"Mr. Paris," Janeway said, "B'Elanna and I were just discussing your…eclectic taste in music."

Tom's grin grew wider.

"Isn't it great?"

Janeway just shook her head and shared a meaningful glance with B'Elanna.

"It's lucky you're a good pilot, Tom," she told him, her tone teasing.

"Come on, Captain," Tom said, taking the ribbing good-naturedly, "This stuff's _classic._"

"No doubt," Janeway replied dryly. "B'Elanna," she said, turning her attention back to the engineer, "Thanks for the information."

B'Elanna nodded as Tom looped his arm around her, and reached out to softly touch his daughter's cheek.

"I'll see you both at the meeting on Monday?"

Tom glanced up.

"We'll be there, Captain. As nice as it's been to be home, B'Elanna and I were just saying that we miss our ship."

Janeway nodded.

"So do I, Tom. But enjoy these last few days. We have work to do when we get back."

"Aye, Captain. We will."

Just as she was about to say goodbye, Janeway stopped herself.

"Oh, B'Elanna, I almost forgot."

B'Elanna turned her attention back to the view screen.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Would you mind stopping by my quarters before the meeting? I wanted to go over some engineering specs with you beforehand."

"Of course. I'll be there."

"Thank you, "Janeway replied. "I'll see you in a few days."

"Goodbye, Captain," Tom said, reaching out and ending the transmission.

Kathryn sat back. She envied Tom and B'Elanna, the ease that their relationship now had. They were comfortable with each other, and were clearly relishing being parents as evidenced by their complete devotion to their daughter. Kathryn couldn't help but wonder if any of that was in her own future.

Her thoughts then turned to the information B'Elanna had given her. Chakotay was in France, and had left no contact information. She could find him, of course, if she really wanted to. A call to the local Starfleet base would do it. But it seemed that he intentionally didn't want to be found. By anyone or just by her?

And B'Elanna's initial reaction to her query nagged at her. She'd seemed surprised that Janeway hadn't talked to Chakotay. Had he intended to contact her? About what? Did he, too, want to mend the rift she'd opened between them? Did he miss her as terribly as she missed him? Or did he intend to confirm her worst fear by asking for a transfer? If that was the case, then why was he coming back for the staff meeting? Unless he meant to speak to her after….

Instead of easing her stress, attempting to find Chakotay had only served to heighten it. And not being able to find him…well, that meant that the people who had taken up residence in her head wouldn't be leaving in the near future. It also meant the dreams would continue.

Kathryn made a frustrated noise and stood up, rubbing at the headache that now seemed her almost constant companion. It was time to find an activity that would occupy her as much as possible for the next few days. Maybe she would look into taking up tennis again….


	7. Chapter 7

_Hi all! Okay, here they are - the final chapters! I've decided just to post them b/c otherwise, I'll never stop tinkering with them. The writer in me is never quite satisfied, I guess. As always, please let me know what you think - the good, the bad, and the ugly - I appreciate it all. Thanks to everyone for their kind comments so far! Enjoy!_

* * *

It was the night before her senior staff meeting. After a grueling tennis lesson (she'd found an instructor at the Starfleet athletic complex who'd been happy to help her brush up on her skills, and devised workouts that left her physically exhausted, which was just fine with Kathryn) and dinner with a couple old girlfriends from the Academy, Janeway had come home early. She'd quickly changed into something more comfortable than the dress she was wearing – she pulled on a pair of Starfleet issue pajama bottoms and an old long-sleeved shirt that said, "Because I'm the Captain, That's Why!" across the front. The shirt had been a gift from Phoebe after Kathryn had been awarded her first command. Kathryn had shaken her head in disbelief when she opened the present, but Phoebe had just laughed and cried, "Isn't it perfect?" Though she didn't entirely appreciate it when first received, it was now one of Kathryn's favorite shirts – it reminded her of her sister's unusual sense of humor. After years and years of wear, it had taken on that softness that only clothing decades old has, and it was just the sort of comfort she was looking for tonight.

She settled herself on her couch with her requisite cup of coffee and several PADDs containing information on _Voyager_'s newest assignment. She forced herself to concentrate on the data in front of her, and tried hard not to think about the meeting tomorrow and who would be there. Or who wouldn't. She was finally becoming engaged with the material, and was getting excited about the challenge their next mission would provide when the chime to her door rang. She glanced at the clock, surprised. Who would be stopping by to visit her? As far as she knew, she wasn't expecting anyone. She got up, and walked to the door.

"Who is it?" she called.

For a moment, there was silence, but then, a response.

"It's Chakotay."

Janeway felt her heart plummet somewhere down to the vicinity of her knees. What? What was he doing there? Wasn't he in France? He wasn't due back until the morning.

She looked at the door and then down at herself, and for a wild moment, thought about running back to her bedroom and putting on her uniform. At least in that, she'd feel more in control. Right now, in her pajamas of all things, she felt like there was no line of defense. She'd have no Starfleet to give the illusion of composure. But reason overtook her, and she knew she didn't have time. And, really, what would be the point? Was it possible he could think less of her? She very much doubted it.

She keyed open the door.

If she'd hoped that the weeks that had passed since they last saw each other had in some way mitigated Chakotay's anger toward her, she'd been wrong. He was standing in her doorway, his expression stony. His stare bore into her.

"I hear you've been looking for me."

Kathryn steeled herself and met his look.

"Yes, I have," she said.

"Well, here I am."

He wasn't going to make this easy for her in any way.

Kathryn stepped aside and gestured with her hand.

"Will you at least come in?"

His eyes measured her, and then Chakotay stalked past her, but as he did, he glanced down at her, and if Janeway didn't know better, she could have sworn she saw the faintest hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as his eyes flicked over the words on the front of her shirt. But a second later, Janeway thought she must have imagined it because his hard look was back in place, and he was turning to face her. _Just wishful thinking_, she admonished herself.

She took a deep breath. _Make this right, Kathryn._

"Chakotay, I've been looking for you because I want to apologize. I should have never said what I said to you. It was wrong and selfish of me, and spectacularly unfair to you. I had no right to bring it up after all this time. You were right, I had my chance. Many chances. And I never took them because….well, it doesn't matter now. That's something _I_ will have to deal with." She watched him as she talked, but his expression changed little. "I don't want to lose you as part of my crew, Chakotay. Or as my friend. I hope you can accept my apology and we can move on."

Chakotay's jaw muscles clenched.

"Captain, I don't know if we can."

If possible, Janeway's heart plummeted lower, not just from his tone, but his use of her title rather than her name. It wasn't a good sign.

"Chakotay, I made a mistake. A big one. But, please, let's not make it worse by compounding it. What can I do to put this behind us?"

He cocked his head.

"I've been giving that some thought," he said slowly.

"And?"

"And I should probably look for another assignment."

It was all Kathryn could do not to double over from the pain that hit her midsection the instant his words were out, and she had to turn away from him and walk toward the window. Instead of collapsing, she forced herself to stand painfully straight as she struggled for control. Outside, San Francisco looked happy, lit up for the night, and she fought hard to resist the impulse to run out into it. Her worst fear was coming true. She was going to lose him. Not just as her friend, but as her first officer. Entirely. She turned to look at him with wide eyes, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice.

"Chakotay. Don't do this. _Voyager_ needs you."

_I need you._

But Chakotay's expression didn't change. The look in his eye was not even one of regret, but one of determination. He'd clearly made up his mind.

At last she nodded, and walked to sit heavily down on her couch before her legs gave out on her, again facing away from him. She couldn't look at him and survive this conversation at the same time.

"Of course," she said in a resigned tone. "I understand. Any ship will be lucky to have you. Wherever you decide to apply, I'll make sure you have my highest recommendation."

"No," came the answer from behind her.

No. It was even worse than she imagined. He didn't want her help at all. He wanted to walk off her ship and out of her life without a backward glance. And she had no one to blame but herself.

"No?" she echoed, her hands clenching her knees in a vice-like grip, her voice starting to betray what she was feeling inside. "Chakotay, at least let me give you a recommendation. It's the least I can do."

"What I mean is," Chakotay said, his voice moving closer to her, "no, I don't need a recommendation because I'm not going anywhere."

Kathryn's head jerked up to look at him. He was standing much closer to her now, and his expression had softened.

"But, you just said…." She started, feeling off-balance.

"What I said was, '_I should_ probably look for another assignment.' I should put as much distance between us as I can," he explained. "But I won't. I can't. I can't leave _Voyager_. I can't leave you." His last words were spoken softly as he squatted down to bring himself to eye level with her.

Kathryn could scarcely believe her ears.

"I don't understand…." She met his eyes with what she was sure was a completely bewildered look. Chakotay, on the other hand, displayed no such confusion. In fact, he had the nerve to look back at her with what looked like a hint of amusement.

"It's not often I can make Kathryn Janeway tongue-tied."

Kathryn closed her eyes in an effort to clear her mind. He _was _leaving _Voyager_? He _wasn't_ leaving _Voyager_. He said he wasn't, right? He said he wasn't leaving _her_.

When she reopened her eyes, he was still there, balancing on the balls of his feet in front of her, staring earnestly at her.

"Chakotay," she said, not fully recognizing the sound of her own voice as she struggled to speak. "What are you saying to me?"

Chakotay rose just enough to slide onto the couch beside her.

"Kathryn," he started and she tried to cover up the shiver that instantly went through her at hearing him say her name. "You couldn't have surprised me more a few weeks ago than if you'd shown up at my door confessing you were a Cardassian spy."

"I'm sorry, Chakotay, I truly am," Kathryn interjected, glad they were back to something she understood. She didn't even want to try to unravel the meaning of his words a few seconds ago, and now at least, he seemed more receptive to an apology.

Chakotay held up his hand.

"I know you are. But please don't apologize again. You don't have to be sorry for what you feel."

"Yes, that may be true, but I _do_ have to be sorry for the way I dealt with it. It was wrong and I–"

"Kathryn." His hand was on her forearm, effectively quieting her. She tried to ignore his touch, to focus on his words. "You brought up a lot of old feelings," he continued. "Old feelings and old anger and hurt."

Kathryn winced, the pain in his voice evident.

"I know."

"I was so angry at your timing. There were so many chances over the years, Kathryn, so many. And for one reason or another, we never took them. So when you showed up telling me that you were finally ready to face what was between us, I couldn't believe even you had the audacity to bring it up."

Kathryn nodded miserably, clenching her hands together in her lap. He was really going to drag all this out. She wanted to try to put this disaster behind them, and he was going to make her go through it all again. But, she reasoned, she deserved it. It was only right to acknowledge what she put him through.

"Chakotay," she tried again. "I know I hurt you. I know I'm going to have to work to make it up to you. I'm–"

But Chakotay wasn't done.

"I was so angry, I couldn't admit how much I still wanted what you were offering."

At that, Kathryn's head snapped up, her eyes wide with surprise.

What? What did he just say? Kathryn felt herself taking big deep breaths in an effort to steady herself. As she simply stared at him, she realized, belatedly, that he was waiting for her to say something, though at the moment, she didn't have the faintest idea what. Maybe honesty was the best policy.

"I don't know what to say," she admitted. "Chakotay, I'm still not sure I understand what _you're_ trying to say."

Chakotay nodded.

"I know. I'm not doing a very good job. Okay," he said, taking a deep breath and sliding his hand down her forearm to take hers. "Kathryn, did you really mean what you said to me a few weeks ago? That you wanted to take a chance on us?"

Kathryn didn't dare hope where this was going. But Chakotay was holding her hand, and the tone of his voice and what he just said led her to believe that this conversation was taking a turn she had never expected it to take.

"Of course I meant it. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't."

Chakotay looked straight into her eyes. "Even though it's not going to be easy? Even if we won't always know how to handle it?"

Kathryn thought about what Phoebe had said to her, about having to be fully committed even if she had no idea what was coming next, and she didn't hesitate with her response.

"Yes."

"Then I want the chance too."

Kathryn took a sharp breath and inadvertently squeezed his hand hard.

"What?" she managed to get out, though it suddenly felt like her lungs had forgotten how to expand and contract. Chakotay leaned toward her then, which did not help the situation.

"You asked me if I still loved you, and I told you I did. Kathryn, I have loved you for so long, probably longer than I should have let myself. But I couldn't help it. You had my heart and there was nothing I could do about it."

Kathryn opened her mouth to tell him she felt the same, but he stopped her.

"Please," he said. "Let me finish."

Kathryn stopped what she was about to say and nodded. Chakotay continued.

"When I realized that you and I weren't going to pursue what was between us, I was devastated. And so angry. At you for not seeing what was right in front of you. At myself for thinking it was a possibility. At the whole damn universe for putting such an amazing woman in my life when I couldn't do a thing about it. So after I thought about it, I promised myself that I wasn't going to let myself get hurt like that again. Our friendship was going to have to be enough, because I wasn't going to hope for anything else anymore. And it _was_ enough, to an extent. It may not have been what I wanted, but it was still one of the most important things in my life. And I assumed that was how it was going to be.

"But then you showed up on my doorstep, saying everything I wanted to hear. All those years on _Voyager_, all I wanted you to do was come to me and say everything you did that day – that you realized what was between us, that you wanted to take a chance on it. Except that I'd made that promise that I wasn't going to let you do that do me, get my hopes up. There were too many variables, and I didn't want that pain again. But…." Chakotay paused, and reached out with his free hand to touch Kathryn's cheek. "Letting you walk out that door was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do."

Kathryn was on the verge of tears, not quite believing this conversation was even taking place. Everything he was saying, the way he was touching her, it felt unreal. She reached up and took his hand that was touching her face, and pulled it down to rest in her lap next to their other pair of joined hands. She looked at them for a moment, one of her hands in his and vice versa, resting on her knees. The balance that that image suggested strengthened her, and she looked up at him.

"Chakotay, I was wrong to push you away all those years. I concentrated so much on my duty to get that ship home, that I ignored what I wanted. I ignored what my heart was telling me about you."

"Why?" It was an honest question, not asked with any sort of anger, and one he deserved an answer to.

Kathryn let out a deep breath.

"Because I was scared. Because I didn't know where it might lead, or what kind of affect it would have on me or the crew. And the fact that we were on the same ship and you were under my command….Chakotay, there was so much to consider beyond what I was feeling."

"We would have considered it together."

"I know that now. But I didn't then. I was wrong. I should have told you how I felt."

"Kathryn–"

"I shouldn't have let you go that night."

There. She'd said it. All the time they'd avoided the topic, it was time to get it out into the open. Chakotay stopped whatever he was going to say, and simply stared at her.

"I didn't want you to leave," she said.

"Yes, you did," Chakotay replied, but there was no accusation in his voice. "You weren't ready for me to stay. And I understood. That was the hell of it, Kathryn. Even as I was unbelievably angry, I understood. I know I made it sound like I didn't the last time we spoke, but I knew why you did what you did, and why you pushed me away. I knew how heavily our situation on _Voyager_ sat on your shoulders, and how badly you wanted to get the ship home for the crew. You have no idea how hard it was to be angry at you, and also be angry at myself for being angry at you at the same time." The last line was said in a gentle tone, and Kathryn saw a smile lift the corners of Chakotay's mouth.

Kathryn smiled too, but sadly.

"I know you understood, I counted on it, and that's something I'm ashamed of. I had no right to take advantage of you like that. Chakotay, I am so sorry for the pain I caused you." It was suddenly very important to Kathryn to get that across to him. No matter what else he was saying to her, or what he seemed to be suggesting to her, it was vitally important for him to know how much she regretted hurting him.

"I know you are, Kathryn," he said, nodding. "But thank you for saying it."

They were both silent for a moment, simply looking at each other, bright blue fixed on warm brown, before Kathryn spoke. Her voice was quiet, afraid if she asked too loud, the idea would shatter. Or maybe she'd only heard what she wanted to hear earlier.

"Are you really here because you want to take a chance on us?"

But Chakotay didn't seem fazed by the question. In fact, he didn't take his eyes off her.

"Yes."

Oh God, she'd heard right. She felt a lightness she hadn't felt for weeks, and she felt herself starting to smile. He wanted what she wanted. He wanted–

And then the reality of their circumstances hit her.

Her smile faded. She withdrew her hands from his, slid a few inches back from him, took a deep breath, and asked the very obvious question.

"What about Seven?"

Chakotay tilted his head, acknowledging her question.

"Seven and I had a long talk."

A shot of panic went through Kathryn.

"You _told_ her?"

"Yes, of course. Kathryn, I couldn't _not_ tell her. It involves her in a big way. And she and I have always discussed things. I told her you came to see me."

Kathryn steeled herself.

"And?"

"And…she said she was not surprised."

"What?" That was not the answer she would have expected from Seven. Accusations of betrayal, yes. Anger, certainly. But not this.

"She said that for as long as she's known you and me, there has been an attraction between us, and she always suspected it might come between us."

Kathryn wondered if she looked as taken aback as she felt.

"_Seven_ said that."

"Believe me, I was as surprised as you are. But maybe I shouldn't have been – Seven has always has a keen power of observation. She said for all the years she's spent learning about and observing humanity, she will never understand why people lie to each other, and say one thing but mean another. She said it's a very inefficient way to conduct relationships."

If the situation weren't quite so serious, Kathryn might have smiled. Now that sounded exactly like something Seven would say. And she was right. If Kathryn had been honest from the start, they would not be in this situation now.

"So how," Kathryn chose her words carefully, "Did the conversation end?"

"I won't lie, she was upset, hurt. So was I. We spent a lot of time together, and we worked hard on our relationship. She helped me through a difficult time. I loved her, and will always regard the time we spent together with fondness. But I was honest with her, and she told me…well, she told me I had to comply with how I felt. I didn't want to hurt her like that, I fought with her. But I eventually had to admit it was the right thing to do if I couldn't commit my heart to her one hundred percent. And we both knew I couldn't. It was still very hard to walk away, though."

Kathryn shook her head and dropped her eyes.

"I can't…believe it. She sacrificed her happiness for us."

Chakotay reached forward and tilted her chin up, making her look at him.

"Someone taught her the act of selfless sacrifice very well," he said softly.

But Kathryn shook her head again. "I can't take credit for this, Chakotay. This is all Seven. I don't know if even I could do what she just did."

Chakotay considered her.

"It was an act of love," he said simply.

Kathryn thought about that and nodded.

"She did love you. That much I could see."

Chakotay gave her a small smile.

"Well, yes," he said. "But I don't think she did it for me. I think she did it for you."

Kathryn's eyes filled with tears as the weight of Chakotay's words hit her. She'd always wanted for Seven to delve into the deeper emotions of humanity, to explore every aspect, but not like this. She hated that she'd caused her pain; that she taught Seven that the one person she told her she could trust had let her down; that humans were, in the end, only human. The realization saddened Kathryn even as she recognized how far the former Borg had come with the gift she had just given her.

Kathryn looked at Chakotay.

"Please believe me, if there was any way not to hurt Seven with this, I would have taken it."

"I know you would have."

"I'm going to have to talk to her."

"Yes, you will," he agreed.

"She has my empathy. And my gratitude." Kathryn didn't have to imagine what Seven was going through right now. She knew all too well, knew what it was like to let go of this man, and knew how difficult the decision must have been for her, no matter _how_ much she understood.

They both sat in silence for a moment, contemplating what they'd just been given.

"I think Seven will be okay, in time," Chakotay told her. "It seems she knew better than we did what was going on."

Kathryn nodded slowly, and then what Chakotay just said triggered something in the back of Kathryn's mind.

"She might not have been the only one."

"What do you mean?"

"I had a couple fairly interesting conversations with B'Elanna in the last few weeks."

Chakotay looked down and cleared his throat.

"Ahhhh….B'Elanna might have had more information than the casual observer."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow.

"Oh?"

"B'Elanna has been my…sounding board over the years. There were quite a few times I ended up in her quarters, talking with her well into the night. She was a good friend."

Chakotay's words were once again a reminder of how much she'd really put him through. She knew it was not his intention, but his words brought up a fresh wave of guilt. For now, she moved it to the back of her mind, knowing she would have to reconcile with it in the future, and responded to what he'd just said.

"And you told her that I came to see you a few weeks ago."

"Yes, right after I chewed her out for stepping out of line and sticking her nose into something she had no right sticking it in."

"Chakotay!"

"Don't worry, she gave as good as she got. It was a good thing we weren't on the ship and it had nothing to do with official business, or I would have had to write her up for about twenty different instances of language unbecoming of an officer. And," he admitted, "She would have had a few charges she could have brought me up on as well."

"It must have been a hell of a fight."

"It was. But then we sat down and talked, and really worked through it. In case you're interested, she was firmly on the side of love conquering all and following my heart."

"That might have been the sleep deprivation talking," Kathryn said wryly.

"Maybe so," Chakotay said with a smile. "But she knows what it's like to love someone and fight it, and she said some things that made a lot of sense. She encouraged me to talk with you. But I was still too angry, so she finally told me that I had to take some time and think about it. And I did."

"In France," Kathryn clarified. A guilty look came over Chakotay's face, and it was suddenly clear to Kathryn. "You were never in France."

"No. But I told B'Elanna to tell you that if you were looking for me. I needed some time to think before I talked to you."

Now B'Elanna's confusion that she and Chakotay hadn't yet spoken made sense. It was the last piece of the puzzle.

Kathryn took a deep breath. "And now you're here."

Chakotay gave her a tentative smile. "And now I'm here."

But Kathryn was suddenly feeling very overwhelmed. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry or both. She stood up and walked toward the window again, hoping a little distance from Chakotay would help organize her thoughts.

"Kathryn, what's wrong?" Chakotay asked, remaining on the couch.

"It's just a lot to take in," she said, speaking to the window. "A lot. I never thought…that you and I…."

"I know," he replied, and she could hear him rise from the couch.

"I'm not quite sure where to go from here," she continued. "I mean…" she trailed off.

He was close behind her now, she could see him in the reflection of the window, and that closeness seemed to interfere with her ability to speak.

"Where do you want to go from here, Kathryn? I've told you what _I_ want. I have a pretty good idea of what _you_ want. But you have to tell me. You have to say it."

The moment he asked, Kathryn knew the answer with unequivocal certainty. She turned, and found him inches from her. She looked up at him, hoping he could see the sureness in her eyes.

"I want you," she said. And she was rewarded with one of his wonderful smiles, the kind that revealed his dimples.

"You have me," he answered softly. "I think you always have."

His simple statement brought the tears to her eyes that had been threatening since he walked in her door, and this time a few spilled onto her cheeks. She didn't deserve this man, who had waited so long and so patiently for her to see what had been in front of her all along. All she could do was nod at him in return because she knew if she attempted to speak, her voice would break.

So instead of using words, she stepped closer to him, hoping he'd understand. He did. As she stepped inside his space, he reached for her, his hands lifting until they were framing her face, his thumbs brushing the tears from her cheeks.

"Don't cry," he murmured. "We have far better things to do."

Kathryn tilted her face up to his and found him staring intently at her. She brought her hands to his chest, resting a moment before sliding up to his shoulders. She tugged almost imperceptibly, but he must have felt it; he began to lower his mouth to hers.

This time there was no doubt in Kathryn's mind. She knew exactly what was happening, and knew with a clarity she didn't experience very often that this was what she wanted.

As before, on the night in her quarters, her lips parted slightly to meet his, but this time neither of them hesitated, and as his mouth touched hers, Kathryn at long last got her first taste of what it was like to kiss Chakotay.

Her one coherent thought was that her imagination had not done it justice. All the times she'd briefly let her mind wander during staff meetings, all the times she'd spent wondering, even her dream, had not prepared her for what was happening now.

His mouth was gentle against hers. There was no demand in his kiss, and yet somehow he was demanding everything, not only her love and commitment, but her fears and uncertainties as well. She wanted to share it all with him, for there was no one else it belonged to. Her hands moved from his shoulders to his face in a mirror image of his, and she angled her mouth slightly against his. She was rewarded with his soft moan as the kiss deepened and his hands tangled in her hair, pulling her mouth more firmly against his own. The sensation was nearly overwhelming, but Kathryn gave into it completely. She had no other choice.

When they finally broke away from each other, both were breathing hard, and Chakotay's fingers were moving gently against her scalp.

"Kathryn," he whispered, tilting his forehead against hers.

Kathryn thought she had heard every single way he could possibly say her name. She'd heard it called out in worry, she'd heard it shouted in anger, she'd heard it used with absolute trust. But this, this was different. To hear him say her name, clearly laced with unchecked desire, was entirely new. An involuntary shudder ran through her. She was sure he felt it.

He drew his head away from hers to find her eyes with his. But if he was searching for some sort of doubt, she knew he wasn't going to find it. She smiled at him, and reached up with her hand to slowly trace the tattoo over his left eye. Her fingers followed every line, redrawing the design that had been there since he was young. It was so much a part of him, and she wanted to know every inch of it.

He stood perfectly still while her fingers moved over his skin, his eyes briefly shutting at her touch, and then he reached up to gently grasp her hand, bringing it to his lips. He pressed a kiss to her palm, and then to the inside of her wrist. Kathryn watched, fascinated. Even as she was touching him, kissing him, she was still not entirely convinced that this was real; she was worried she would wake up any minute. But as her fingers feathered over his lips, and then she reached up on her toes to kiss him again, it felt very real to her. And if it wasn't, she had no intention of waking up.

Their second kiss was not as gentle as the first. If the first one has been about establishing that neither one of them was going to back away, then the second one seemed to be about making up for lost time. Their lips locked onto each other as if their very lives depended on it. Chakotay's hands slid down to her waist and pulled her forward, until she was firmly anchored against his body, her hips cradled against his own. Kathryn made a sound of surprise at the sudden contact, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders in an effort to keep her balance. She felt him smile against her mouth. She responded by kissing him hard, fully aware of every point where her body was touching his.

They broke apart again, but just barely, clutching at each other; the only sound in the room was them trying to catch their breath.

Kathryn dropped down off her toes and loosened her grip on Chakotay's shoulders. If she didn't allow a little space between them, she thought she might shatter. But it seemed she could not stop touching him. Her hands slid from his shoulders to the collar of his shirt, briefly touching his throat before settling at the top button of his shirt. Kathryn fastened her eyes on his as she slipped the first button out of its hole, wondering if this might be the moment Chakotay came to his senses and realized he'd made a mistake. But Chakotay looked back at her, his eyes dark with desire, his focus on her and her alone; it was all the encouragement she needed.

Her fingers moved to the next button and then the next, methodically exposing more of his skin until they were at last all undone. She pushed the material aside, and her hands were instantly touching his chest, letting her fingers run over the hard plains, the soft hair sprinkled over taut muscle. Under the Starfleet uniform, it was easy to forget how strong Chakotay was. Her exploration of his chest, however, left little doubt on the matter, and Kathryn had to admit, she found it more than a little appealing.

Kathryn leaned forward and pressed her lips to his chest, tasting his skin. She heard Chakotay's sharp intake of breath, and felt the muscles of his stomach contract under her hands. She smiled as she continued to mark him with slow kisses. She'd forgotten how it felt to affect a man this way. The fact that it was _this_ man was nearly too much for her to believe.

She straightened back up, satisfied for the moment. Chakotay's hands, which had been rather chastely sitting at her waist, were now fingering the hem of her own shirt. She followed his gaze as he looked down, and she was quickly reminded of what she was wearing. Somewhat embarrassed and about to make an excuse for it, she realized that he was once again glancing over the words on the front her shirt. His eyes took on an amused look, and now she was absolutely sure she hadn't misread his expression when he first entered her apartment. He broke the silence that had been stretching between them for several minutes.

"So I should remember this the next time you make a questionable decision?" he asked, his voice low and rich. Kathryn tried to glare at him, but only partially succeeded.

"I don't make questionable decisions," she answered, her glare not carrying its usual power as she'd been distracted by watching his lips as he spoke. Those lips were now betraying him as he tried to keep a straight face, and Chakotay quirked an eyebrow at her.

"Oh, you don't?"

Kathryn responded by stretching up and gently capturing his lower lip with her teeth, before soothing the same spot with her tongue.

"Well, at least not tonight," she amended. There was his smile again.

"Not tonight," he agreed.

And then he was gathering the material of her shirt in his hands, lifting upward. But as soon as he did, his fingers making their first contact with her bare skin, Kathryn tensed involuntarily. Her hands, which had been resting on his upper arms, suddenly grasped his shirt in her fists.

Chakotay instantly noticed and stopped what he was doing.

"Kathryn, what's wrong?"

She shook her head. How could she tell him? How could she tell him she was nervous? About his expectations, about what he might think of her? About the fact that truthfully, she hadn't found herself in this situation for some time?

Kathryn met his concerned look.

"It's just…" she said quietly, "It's been…it's been…awhile…" She didn't even know how to articulate it. But Chakotay looked like he somehow understood. He let go of her shirt and framed her face once more with his hands.

"It's just me, Kathryn. Just us. There's nothing to worry about. It's okay." His voice was low and soothing, spilling into her ear. She listened to it, held onto his words. He was telling her there were no expectations, that it was enough that they were here together. She looked into his eyes which were asking for her trust, and in that instant, she gave it to him completely. In truth, he'd always had it.

She nodded, leaned up to kiss him softly and took half a step back, lifting her shirt over her head. She tossed it to the side, and looked up at him. He was looking back at her, his gaze slowly running over the bare skin she'd just exposed. He closed the distance between them she'd just opened up, and his hands swept over her shoulders and down her arms.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured. Kathryn wasn't sure whether it was the sensation of his fingers on her bare skin or his words, but she shivered.

He kissed her then, long and slow, his tongue searching for and finding hers. And then his mouth was moving across her jaw, and down the column of her throat. Kathryn sighed and tipped her head back as he dropped kisses across her collar bone. She lifted her hands to slide them back inside his open shirt, feeling the rapid beat of his heart inside his chest.

Chakotay's hands were hardly idle either. They were moving from her waist to the delicate skin of her stomach before his fingers skimmed the side of her breasts. He just barely made contact but it was enough to make Kathryn moan and try to press further into his touch. She wanted more, so much more. But he seemed content to tease her, not stopping where she wanted him to. He smiled at her reaction and instead swept over her shoulders once more, and whispered his fingers down her spine until they were spread across the small of her back, his arms now securely around her. He pulled her firmly against himself as he had done a few minutes ago, but this time her bare skin pressed against his chest. The contact felt both electric and profoundly right.

Kathryn tucked her head under Chakotay's for a moment, inhaling his scent, feeling utterly safe in his arms. She could feel his chest rising and falling with his steady breathing.

For her life, right then she didn't know why she'd denied herself this for so long. She had known almost from the first time she saw him, that this man would change her life. And though she spent years fighting it, she had known that her heart laid with him whatever their journey might bring them. That he had been so patient with her and so willing to let her find her way to him was something of a miracle to Kathryn.

She lifted her head and looked at him, wanting him to understand what she was feeling. But she saw she didn't have to say a thing – everything was right there reflected in his eyes. He understood more than she could ever hope to explain in words.

His hands were somehow tangled in her hair again, his fingers working through the auburn strands.

"I want you," he whispered. "More than anything."

In response, Kathryn caught one of his hands in hers and disengaged it from her hair. His hand curled around hers as she carefully kissed the backs of his knuckles. And then she twined her fingers with his and turned, tugging him with her. She led him away from the window and down the hall until they both crossed into her bedroom. She turned back to face him and squeezed his hand.

"I want you, too."

And then there was no more need for words.

Chakotay pulled her into his embrace, capturing her mouth once again with his own, and guided her back toward the bed. The rest of the clothing between them disappeared in a matter of seconds, and as they fell to the bed, their bodies found a language all their own, tangled in each other. The darkness in Kathryn's apartment was the only witness to the sighs and soft gasps as Kathryn and Chakotay discovered one another: one moment they were hungry with each other, barely able to satisfy the need born of years of wanting what they thought they could never have; the next they were patient, willing to take it slow, learning what the other wanted, craved.

And when the pressure built beyond their ability to control, they gave into the release, clutching at each other. Kathryn arched against Chakotay, her nails marking his lower back, her lips at his ear, urging him on. Chakotay in turn buried his head against her shoulder, his breath erratic against her skin, until he finally called out her name, his voice breaking with emotion. It was a sound Kathryn knew she'd never forget. As she lay very much entwined in her first officer's arms, Kathryn added this version of her name to the top of her list.

* * *

It was some time later, though Kathryn couldn't even begin to say how much time had passed. She been drifting in and out sleep, mostly waking to check if Chakotay really was beside her, if what she remembered happening really happened. She watched him now, his arm flung over his head, his chest rising and falling evenly.

"Chakotay?" she murmured, dropping several soft kisses on his shoulder. "Are you awake?"

He peeked one eye open at her. "Depends."

Kathryn gave him an amused look. "On?"

"On whether you're going to tell me if it was worth seven years' wait or if I should start looking for starships in need of first officers tomorrow."

Kathryn pressed her lips together, trying hard to keep a straight face.

"In case you missed my reaction…it was more than worth the wait," she informed him. Now both Chakotay's eyes were open.

"I didn't miss it," he said, reaching over to tuck a stray piece of her hair behind her ear. Kathryn reached up to hold his hand to her cheek.

"We shouldn't have waited so long," she said quietly. She then took his hand in hers, and sat up next to Chakotay, crossing her legs and using her free hand to pull a sheet around herself. Now it was Chakotay's turn to look amused.

"Isn't it a little late for that?" he asked. "You're interfering with my view."

Kathryn suppressed a smile. "I don't want you distracted."

"From?"

"From what I want to say to you."

Chakotay took in her serious expression. "Okay. What is it?"

"Chakotay, this was…more than I thought we would ever get. More than I hoped."

Chakotay sat up, looking slightly concerned.

"Why do I hear a 'but' coming?"

Kathryn shook her head. "No, no 'but.' I just want you to know that as amazing as this was, I'm aware we still have things to work out, about how we're going to handle this, how it's going to work on _Voyager_. I want you to know I'm not going to back away from it. Not now. We'll figure it out."

Chakotay returned her serious look. "There are going to be people who don't approve. A few admirals I can think of. People who can make things difficult."

"Well, first of all, we're not going to hang a banner from the warp nacelle advertising what's going on, as it's none of their business anyway. Second of all, it's not forbidden."

"It's not exactly encouraged either."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay in disbelief. "Now you sound like me. Are you _trying_ to talk me out of this? After everything we've gone through?"

"Not at all," he reassured her. "But you have to admit, it's going to complicate things. Captain, first officer."

"I know. But it can't be any more complicated than avoiding each other all these years."

Chakotay smiled. "That's probably true."

Kathryn leaned in, kissed him. "I'm not letting go of you. Not when I can do this." She kissed him again. "To hell with what Starfleet Command might think."

"I'm happy to hear that," he said, letting his free hand trace down her arm. "But I have to ask one more thing."

Kathryn tried not to sound worried. "What's that?"

"I have to know…" he started, leaning in to nuzzle her neck, "where did that shirt you were wearing come from?"

Kathryn was struck speechless for a moment as his question registered before erupting in laughter. She got it – they were on the same page with each other, and there was no more need to discuss it.

"Phoebe. She gave it to me when I got my first command. When we were children, she always used to accuse me of being bossy."

"You? I can't imagine." Chakotay straightened up and gave her his best innocent look.

Kathryn poked him in the side. "You could at least try to _pretend_ it's not true."

"Why on Earth would I do that? The bossiness is a real turn-on."

"Oh, please," she sighed.

"You have no idea how sexy it is when you stand on the bridge and yell, 'Fire,'" Chakotay said with a deadpanned expression.

Kathryn laughed again. "You're awful," she told him.

"I think I'm going to like Phoebe."

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Everyone likes Phoebe. She's a total free spirit, artistic and funny and–"

She never got to finish her sentence because Chakotay cut her off with a kiss, effectively ending her tirade before she got rolling. He pulled away, and she raised an eyebrow at him.

"I'm sure Phoebe's lovely," he said. "But there's only one Janeway woman I'm interested."

Kathryn furrowed her brow. "My mother?"

Chakotay chuckled.

"I know I'm going to like Gretchen very much, from what you've told me about her. And her cooking. But I was thinking about a certain captain. Red head, independent, stubborn as hell, makes me crazy in all the right ways. Know her?"

Kathryn dropped her head against his shoulder.

"I may have heard of her," she answered, her hand moving idly across his chest.

"Hey," he said.

She lifted her head to look up at him.

"Come here," he said softly, his hand coming up to cradle the back of her head, drawing her forward until his forehead was resting against hers. He kissed her again, and then smiled against her lips. "I love you."

Kathryn smiled back. "I love you, too."

She gently pushed him backward until he was once again lying against the pillows. She then dropped the sheet she was holding chastely around herself, and slid her leg across him until she was straddling him. Chakotay, for his part, watched her, appreciation evident on his face as his eyes swept over every inch of her, his hands running from her knees up to her hips.

Kathryn arched an eyebrow at him, a coy half smile on her lips.

"You aren't tired?" he asked, even as he was sitting up, tugging her forward, tighter against him. Kathryn bit back a groan as their bodies fit against each other.

"I've had a lot of practice recently with little sleep."

Chakotay looked puzzled. "Why?"

Kathryn shook her head. "Never mind," she said, her arms encircling his shoulders. She lowered her voice to a soft purr. "Just make love to me again, Chakotay."

Chakotay grinned, his hands already busy moving across her skin, eliciting a gasp from Kathryn as he put his newly found knowledge about her to good use.

"Aye, Captain," he responded, causing Kathryn to shake her head with laughter before leaning forward and pressing him backward once more.

* * *

_(Note: I dropped the rating like several people suggested, but I couldn't resist giving our duo some much deserved lovin'. I certainly hope I didn't scandalize anyone!!)_

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

Kathryn woke the next morning feeling calmer than she had in weeks. She was lying on her stomach facing away from the other side of the bed. She took her time coming back to consciousness, and when she was reasonably awake, turned her head. And found Chakotay propped up on his elbow, staring at her. Her sleepy eyes took in the way he looked remarkably comfortable in her bed, and what she could only describe as an amused twinkle in his eyes.

"What are you doing?" she mumbled, allowing her eyes to slip shut again.

"Watching my captain sleep," was the instant reply.

Stifling a yawn, Janeway smiled.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I so rarely get to see you this relaxed when you're awake. Or this still."

"Mmm…." was her only response. He should know by now she wasn't a morning person without the requisite infusion of caffeine. And if he didn't know it by now, he was going to learn quickly.

She might have dozed back to sleep at that point, but then she felt his fingers tracing slowly over the bare skin of her shoulders. His touch was enough to penetrate her sleep-infused mind. She opened her eyes again.

"Hi," Chakotay said.

Janeway smiled, almost shyly.

"Hi," she replied.

"This isn't quite where I expected to be this morning," he said, dropping his head off his propped hand and looking at her earnestly, eye to eye.

"This isn't quite where I expected you to be this morning either," she said. "Aren't you supposed to be on another continent? You seem awfully real."

Chakotay smiled at her joke.

"Still no regrets?" he asked. His tone was light, but Kathryn knew the weight in the question, what he was asking her.

"None," she said firmly, her eyes locked on his. She turned her body toward him, and reached across to lay her palm against his cheek. "I told you once I couldn't imagine a day without you. That's truer today than ever."

Chakotay smiled and Kathryn could see his shoulders relax. He turned his head to kiss her palm, and leaned forward to kiss her mouth. It was no less electric than the night before.

Finally drawing away from him, she glanced at the chronometer on the wall.

"We have to be at the staff meeting in a few hours, and I have a few things I need to look over. We have to get up." The words didn't have quite their intended effect as Chakotay was busy tracing kisses down her neck, and she might have moaned slightly just as she finished her sentence.

"What if I don't want to get up? What if I want to stay right here with you all day?"

"Can't," she said, managing to push away from him slightly, which was difficult when what she wanted and what she was saying were in direct opposition to each other. "We have to get up," she repeated.

"No," Chakotay whispered, his arms tightening around her, his lips at her ear.

"I'll have you court marshaled for disobeying a direct order," she said, wriggling away from him just enough to narrow her eyes at him.

"Oh, yeah?" Chakotay replied, not seeming the least bit worried. "And what are you going to do when I tell the court that you were _severely _out of uniform when you gave that order?"

Kathryn grinned. "You wouldn't dare."

"Wouldn't I?" he asked in mock seriousness, raising his eyebrows.

Kathryn laughed, a full laugh that she felt throughout her body.

"Come here," she said and reached for him, already sliding her leg over his hip, intending to show him exactly what the benefits were to having his captain severely out of uniform.

* * *

An hour later, and Kathryn managed to extricate herself from Chakotay's arms and climb out of bed. As she found her robe and wrapped it around herself, Chakotay lifted his head to look at her.

"Come back to bed," he tempted her.

She shook her head at him in disbelief. "We're already running late because you wouldn't get up the first time. Is this what I'm going to have to deal with on the ship? Insubordination? Laziness?" With a jolt, she realized that with those words it was the first time she alluded to their relationship when they got back to _Voyager_. She expected a feeling of panic to hit her, but nothing came. She discovered she liked the thought.

"Yes, I didn't mention it? I'm useless at least twelve hours after making love to beautiful captains."

Kathryn rolled her eyes at him.

"Because we're running late, I'm not even going to ask you what other captains you've been making love to. Although there better not be any. Staff meeting, remember?"

"They can wait."

"Chakotay."

"Oh, all right," he grumbled, tossing back the covers and getting out of bed. Dear God, it took all her self-control for Kathryn not to push him right back into bed and forget she had a senior staff to meet or a ship to captain. She cleared her throat and looked elsewhere, but Chakotay had already caught her staring and grinned at her. He started walking toward her, looking hopeful, but Kathryn held out her hand.

"The shower is that way," she told him firmly, pointing down the hallway. Chakotay stopped, seeing he wasn't going to win this one.

"I supposed they gave you a real one?" he asked hopefully.

Kathryn smiled. "Of course."

As he turned toward the bathroom, Kathryn asked, "Do you want anything for breakfast?"

Chakotay made a face. "Depends. Are you making it?"

Kathryn made a face right back at him. "No, I'm not. Since our return, though, I've rediscovered the joys of not being on replicator rations."

"Amen to that. What are you having?"

Kathryn gave him an offended look that he even had to ask. "Coffee."

Chakotay shook his head with a knowing smile. "Coffee is fine," he said, padding off down the hall. And as Kathryn headed for the kitchen, she heard him call out, "And maybe some eggs and toast!"

Kathryn went to the kitchen, and just as she started the coffee brewing, her door chime sounded. Kathryn looked toward the door in surprise, and then flicked her eyes to the chronometer on the wall. It was still early. Who on Earth would be visiting at this hour?

Tightening the sash of her robe, Kathryn walked over and keyed the door open. And found B'Elanna Torres standing there.

"B'Elanna," she said, not able to keep the surprise out of her voice.

"Captain," B'Elanna said, quickly taking in Janeway's state of dress, or lack thereof. "Ah…good morning. Is this…do I have the wrong time?"

"Wrong time?" Janeway echoed, still not clear why B'Elanna was standing there. Just barely, she heard the shower turn off, and she prayed Chakotay would stay in the bedroom. She also winged a prayer that B'Elanna's hearing wasn't that good. She didn't want to explain this quite yet without preparing what she was going to say.

B'Elanna looked confused. "You asked me to come by before the meeting? So we could go over a few of _Voyager_'s upgrades beforehand. When we spoke last week. But if this is a bad time…."

Oh, God. Yes, it was all coming back to her now. But last week she'd been rather…distracted, and after she'd spoken with B'Elanna, she'd forgotten to make a note of it.

"No, Lieutenant, it's not that. I'm sorry, it's just–"

And just as Kathryn was about to make an excuse and send B'Elanna on her way, Chakotay chose to make his entrance. It was exquisite timing.

"Kathryn, did you leave me any coffee?"

When thinking about the moment in the future, Janeway would be hard-pressed to say who was more stunned right then – Chakotay, who was, thankfully, wearing his clothes, but still rubbing at his hair with a towel, clearly fresh out of the shower, stopping short as he discovered the two women by the door; she herself, mid-excuse, wearing what she was sure was a hand-in-the-cookie-jar expression; or B'Elanna, whose eyes widened to an unprecedented size upon Chakotay's entrance, and was now gaping, her head swiveling between her captain and her first officer.

Chakotay was the first to speak, but just barely.

"B'Elanna…." he managed, stepping toward her. B'Elanna, for her part, closed her mouth, and her expression took on a Cheshire cat smile.

"Chakotay," she said, her arms now clasped comfortably in front of her as she regarded her friend's discomfort with obvious amusement. "Looks like you beat me to this morning meeting. I was worried that I was going to be late, but I have to say, it never crossed my mind to shower at the captain's apartment. That must have been a real time-saver."

Janeway groaned inwardly. The last thing she needed was this to get around _Voyager_'s crew before she and Chakotay had a chance to figure out how they were going to present it.

"B'Elanna," she spoke up, drawing the younger woman's attention back toward her. "This isn't quite what it looks like."

B'Elanna's smile widened.

"With all due respect, Captain, I think it's _exactly_ what it looks like."

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay who was walking closer to them, a grin tugging on his mouth as she tried in vain to explain his early morning presence in her apartment. It was clearly a losing battle.

"Maybe it is," she finally allowed. "And I know what you must be think–"

"No, Captain," B'Elanna interrupted. "I doubt you do."

That stopped Kathryn short. She raised her eyebrows, waiting for her engineer to continue.

"What I was thinking was," B'Elanna continued, "and I mean this very sincerely – it's about damn time."

Kathryn could only stare at her chief engineer, a decidedly un-captain-like response, she knew, but she simply didn't know what to say. Chakotay, on the other hand, didn't seem to have the same problem. He looped his arm around her shoulder, and smiled down at her and then at B'Elanna.

"Well, now that that's settled, I think the coffee's probably ready. Care to join us, B'Elanna?"

B'Elanna nodded. "I'd love to."

Kathryn allowed Chakotay to turn her and point her toward the kitchen. She looked up at him.

"Is this the sort of response we're going to get from the rest of the crew as well?"

Chakotay grinned and winked at her, and suddenly Kathryn felt completely at ease.

"I wouldn't be surprised."


	9. Coda

As B'Elanna Torres followed _Voyager_'s newest couple into the kitchen, she happened to glance at the calendar on the captain's wall, and it was all she could do to hide her grin before Chakotay and the captain turned around. Unless she was mistaken, she had just won a very big bet with her husband. It was the kind of bet that was going to let her sleep through the night for the next two weeks. She decided right then and there that she wasn't going to tell Tom that maybe she'd had a little insider information.

* * *

_That's it, everyone! Hope you enjoyed it! Believe it or not, I didn't think I'd ever be writing a _Voyager_ fic so long after the show's end. But I've been watching a ridiculous amount of old clips, and I fell back in love with the marooned crew of the_ U.S.S. Voyager_. And I was once again struck by the chemistry practically screaming from Kathryn and Chakotay (thank you, Kate Mulgrew and Robert Beltran), and then some scenes started forming in my head, and I knew I was a goner. Maybe now that I've given them a happy ending, they'll leave me in peace for a while, though I'm sure, not forever. Already, I think, Chakotay is after me for a story from his POV. We shall see, Angry Warrior, we shall see. :)_

_Please, please, if you have any comments, take a moment and share them. I loved writing this story, and it does my little heart good to know others enjoyed reading it. It's all we fic writers ask for._

_Thanks again!_

_Elisa_


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